True North

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Where have you been? I waited so long

I am startled out of the usual post-coital daze by your words — it takes me a few seconds to find my way out of the maze consisting of half-formed thoughts and bright fireworks.

What is this? A throwaway comment prompted by satisfied lust?

Not at all your style, but this gal’s got to make sure, she’s still learning to trust — no longer the hermit in a hut, but…

I bend over your face, my hair falls around your head—it ripples as fields filled with rows of corn ahead of the approaching storm.

Your hands on my waist, my nipples yet erect press against your chest,
my alabaster skin glistening, the blood of the Vikings in my veins flowing, it seems I bow down to my king of an evening.

Straddling a man and looking into his eyes—afterwards—while he’s still inside you, can be the perfect time to extract truth like juice from an overripe fruit.

So, my eyes plunge into yours, looking, searching…

They are cloudy with the residues of the explosion which, moments before, rocked your body but—yes—swimming underneath, I detect naked vulnerability.

Your words are realyou are real.

Where have I been? What took me so long?

I was busy
wasting time
being blind
fucking up
with boys, not men
one of them
worthless and insane
Thinking I was helping
cracked brains
to fix their pain
Deluding myself
really doing my best
to self-destruct
Getting it out of my system
in any case
Until such time
as I would be ready
for you
to fill every opening
every part of me
body and soul

If you make it through the thorns, the odds are the path will eventually lead to gold.

Darling, where I have been does not matter anymore, because I may have finally found my true north.

*The first huge piece of writing I created for my Master’s came back from my tutor today with great feedback and a mark which is in the Merit band. I could have cried with relief; I realised today when I was handed my work back that I’d been really quite worried about being judged on my ability to write-as a writer-rather than a journalist. I treated myself to a glass of wine to celebrate and it gave me the confidence to publish this post which I wrote 3 days ago — I’d been nervous about publishing anything new on here until I got feedback on the work I did on the Master’s — ridiculous, I know, but hey, it was a bad attack of writer’s doubt. Still, life is just grand right now 💜 *

Oasis

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While the storm was raging, you led me to a safe haven, an oasis such as I didn’t know might still exist.

The evil that walks unchallenged through this world was absent. The sky was welcoming twilight with the blush of a young girl, naive and innocent. Tongues didn’t wag, nobody did brag, mediocrity was nowhere to be seen—reality not about to fall apart at the seams.

Serenity hung in the air, tangled limbs in the shade of a wise, indulgent tree, loud whispers—carried by a gentle breeze—echoing across the lake, traveling as far as the snow-capped mountains.
Waves of desire escaped us and joined their earth sisters softly calling from the water.

A page filled with lust followed by a chapter defined by trust—your priorities, faithful soldiers standing in the right order. Safe in your arms, your words balm for my weary heart.

Do you love me?

Yes, in this place you led me to, I do. And this place, is you.

*Before I clicked publish on this, I re-read my last post and I found the difference—in tone and essence—between it and this one even more shocking than I thought I would.

The previous post was inspired by someone who has all the depth and personality of a Kardashian, someone as empty as gigantic lunar craters are (presumably) someone cruel, ungrateful, manipulative and abusive—not to mention a pathological liar—and someone as f****d up as one can manage to be without being declared officially insane – someone without any redeeming qualities I can think of, now that my eyes are fully open.

This post is inspired by someone who is smart as a whip, cultured, the complete opposite of shallow, stable, honest, trustworthy and with a lovely heart.

What a difference various people can make to your life.

Mediocre has gone back to mediocre and smart is back in its own rank – a little bit of stability has been re-established in this world.

So many great things have happened to me in the last few months, in various areas of my life…and most of it isn’t even related to this one person having been cut out or a new person having come in…yet I can’t help but notice the correlation.

It’s the most important thing I’ve learnt this year: Wolves should not mix with sheep, Eagles cannot hang around with chicken—it might sound harsh but bitter experience has taught me that it is so.*

Image credit: Nois7 on Instagram

Life’s not a competition

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I pulled out the knife you stuck in my back and used it to cut you out of my life.

Tough luck, buster! — I survived.

Flipping the coin-it lands on its side-no need to ask why as I’ve grown wise.

Now you’re picking things up in the gutter, sitting on a barrel of gunpowder, disaster waiting just around the corner
and I’m reaching new heights—
dancing in sparkly showers, with the strength of a thousand suns illuminating my hours.

This other light? It derives from the diamonds
in my eyes & honesty, love, honour in my heart—absent words in the limited lexicon of a vampire.

Should have remembered: you never ever piss off a writer—we’re great at target-shooting and make the best snipers.

Life’s not a competition, but I’m winning—the oracle has spoken and make no mistake: it is all-knowing.

Silver lining

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If there’s one good thing that has come out of this election, it’s this: celebs all over the States have been brought back down to earth with a nice healthy bump.

It turns out Bey wearing a t-shirt with the slogan: “I’m with her”, standing next to Hillary wasn’t enough to sway the voters. Who would have thought it? Queen Bey isn’t all powerful after all.

I, for one, am glad because it might (let’s all cross our fingers) mean celebrities finally realise a lot of us don’t give a flying fuck about their political opinion…or their views about anything, really…and maybe, just maybe they start to keep their mouths shut.

I’m on social media a lot, I check out the news everyday across all different platforms because: I have to job-wise and because I like to know what’s happening in the world in general and that includes popular culture.

Thereby I can tell you that at least half the media coverage of this election was dedicated to ‘which’ celebrity had said ‘what’ about either candidate. As if it matters. As if we care. Nobody with a personality and brain is going to make their mind up on important issues because of something Lady Gaga said.

Yet the celebs came out in force during this election, making a big old fuss and some of them are now throwing temper tantrums because the result didn’t go their way. As it happens, Lady Gaga is acting like an idiot right now (isn’t she always?) All those dramatic statements about “women fighting for their lives following Trump’s election” are not helping anyone. They are just fanning the flames and that’s the last thing the States need right now. There were protests straight after the election which I can understand. People were upset, they were scared, they expressed those feelings the only way they could. Fair enough. But, that’s it now, it’s done, it’s over. Some of the displays from the anti-Trump protesters have been shameful: is this the best you can do to denounce his bigotry and stupidity? Violence towards policemen, Trump voters and damaging your city is hardly going to make your point, is it?

So, Lady Gaga should use her “celebrity power” to deliver calm statements rather than encourage despair and drama. Or better yet, she could just shut up. Her and Lena Dunham could no more keep quiet though than I can stop myself scoffing any dark chocolate within a one-mile radius. More’s the pity.

Someone once said to me (a few months back actually) “they’re celebs, anything they do is hot!” I’m afraid my response to THAT was a rather undignified snort. Followed by: “really? Maybe it is if you’re insecure with no personality and no brain but otherwise? Nuh-uh.”

I admit it: I shared THAT video a few weeks before the elections. You know the one: Save The Day…I did it going against all my principles because I was frankly terrified Trump would win and I was desperate. The video was cringey, yes, how could it not be? A bunch of celebs taking themselves way too seriously and clearly imagining “ordinary” people could be swayed by their views. But I shared it and I never usually do that kind of shit because I couldn’t care less what celebrities think…I repeat: desperation was at the root of such a decision. None of it made any difference in the end.

Why should it? The media has inundated us with celebs and their (too often) mundane opinions on everything from the benefits of drinking milk to politics for so long now that maybe the tide is turning. Oh, there will always be those who worship and blindly follow false idols because there will always be idiots—but perhaps the general public is getting tired of all that celeb coverage.

Emma Watson, whom I’ve no doubt is an intelligent and interesting young woman has been hiding feminist books on the tube in London. She did it in New York too last week which the media, falling over themselves to fawn, described as “the perfect response to the Trump victory”. Hmm…really?

Emma Watson was, of course, wishing for a Clinton win, urging women to go out to vote because “we deserved a female president.” Of course what she neglected to take into account is the fact many women would NOT elect a female president just for the sake of it. We are not that shallow, or desperate, thank you. As much as I wanted Hillary to win, my sole reason was to stop Trump because he was/is SO much worse as an alternative—but wild horses wouldn’t otherwise have dragged me to a booth to vote for Hillary. Not that I could vote since I’m not an American citizen, but you get my point.

The fact is, Emma Watson was a great Hermione and (as I said) she might be a very nice, intelligent young woman but I do not care about her being a feminist and I don’t care about her political views. And I certainly don’t want to read about her “activism” in the media because there are many, many other things worth reading (and writing) about. Her leaving books in the New York subway was not the answer to my despair following the Trump victory, it wasn’t uplifting or inspiring—it was just a celeb (more intelligent than most but still) hiding books in the subway, that’s it.

There is such self-indulgence in celebs “speaking their mind” and often coming up with a lot of bullshit in the process…although it is gold for lazy journalists.

Did any of you see that Robert De Niro video railing against Trump? Now, THAT I didn’t mind. I liked it so much actually that I was almost ready to forgive him for having become a caricature of himself. You know why that video was great? Because it was totally lacking any kind of self-indulgence. It wasn’t meant to be seen (it was an out-take), it was unrehearsed and just a rant from a man—not an actor—who was outraged by the behaviour of a presidential candidate.

De Niro was the only celeb (at least he’s not z-list and actually deserving of the name) I could stomach in the run-up to the presidential election, and now it’s all over I just want them all to disappear. Many of them threatened to leave the country if Trump won (as if that would make US citizens quake with fear) so why not make good on that promise…and if you are now regretting making hasty promises, then at least keep quiet. Your opinions did not make one blind bit of difference to the election result, your opinions won’t make any difference to the aftermath either. Maybe you should go away and reflect on the fact the golden age of celebrity might be over, something the media might soon cotton on to. Hopefully.

Seeds of History

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The various plants, flowers and trees across the field

Do you imagine they all originated from a single seed?

A rare, unique magical seed born from this soil you proudly call yours?

It is a foolish thought, as most of those different identities & species come from seeds brought by the winds from across the seas,

taking root in this new fertile ground, growing strong while transforming and enriching the land—

a land you now claim and wish to protect, with a short memory, and no knowledge of its—or your own—history.

You would have a wall, one tall enough to close yourself off

You would live in a warped ivory tower, muting the dismayed cries of your forefathers.

Walls made of steel, bricks or stone are meant for prisons and criminals

Walls bring forth the shadow of war

Inside walls, people grow slow, the air turns stale, minds become narrow and ideas—dreams—stagnate

Listen to the whispers carried by the breeze,

Look at the light from the east

Your ancestors, your brothers beseech

you to hear their plea and learn from History

*Thanks so much to W. who told me to stop fidgeting and type it out right now since it was evidently disturbing me greatly to wait till tomorrow*

We’re all in trouble – bigly.

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I almost didn’t write a little something about yesterday-I felt too depressed quite frankly-but in the end I was compelled to.
Donald Trump being elected president was not a shock, I’ve seen it coming for weeks now, but it was still very perturbing. I’ve spent the last year telling people it would not happen because even in America, people would not be so foolish. But then, in the last month, when I saw that people seemed totally not bothered by his appalling performances in the debates, it hit me that he was going to win. And he did —God help us all.

People apparently wanted “change”, and apparently they wanted it at all costs. So they turned to an ignorant buffoon to deliver that change because even taking huge steps backwards is better than staying put, apparently.

Even if we ignore the fact Trump mocked the disabled, the fact he wanted to “punch people in the face”, the fact he thinks climate change is an “hoax”, that bloody freaking WALL he wants to build, the way he talks about women and just about everyone else really…even if we forget about the fact he’s a stupid, easily enraged narcissist, how can people think he is capable of leading their country after watching the debates or his rallies?

The man never once replied to a question about policies or issues. Never. He rambled, he raved, he was incoherent, he made personal attacks, he boasted…but he NEVER once showed that he knew what he was talking about, that he knew what he was doing.

This was obvious to anyone with at least half a brain…and yet, they elected him. They say the average working class voter embraced Trump because they saw Hillary as ‘entitled’ but…how can a privileged billionaire who built his empire partly with the sweat of workers he never paid be mistaken for the people’s champion?!

It just doesn’t make any sense. Trump’s appalling treatment of anyone who’s ever worked for him is well documented.
There is this English man I personally know, he’s lived in New York for over 20 years and worked with Trump on some project at some point in the last decade. Since the courts were involved, I can’t go into specifics… but what I can do is tell you that said English guy has spent the last year telling everyone who would listen that Trump is a thoroughly unpleasant human being in more ways than one. There are countless other stories of the kind, it’s all out there. 
The people’s champion? Please.

People felt Hillary couldn’t be trusted, and I don’t blame them, but how could they think Trump was in any way, shape or form trustworthy?!

He’s a bully and a narcissist, he’s totally inexperienced, he is ignorant, he is too stupid to learn, he lies and he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. And he’s now the president of the United States.

It beggars belief and it pains me to say it, but times like yesterday is when I question democracy.
Why should people be entitled to vote when they are uninformed, stupid and so easily deceived?

All we can do now is hope that whoever he surrounds himself with will be at least half-way qualified and able to rein him in. When one thinks of the damage Trump could do in the States and internationally…well, one can’t think about it for too long for fear of losing all hope altogether.

What a year 2016 has been. It sometimes feels like humanity is hell-bent on self-destructing.

Image Credit: Paul Noth for The New Yorker.

5th of November

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5th of November:
Outside, the air suitably smells of powder, smoke — it’s bitter cold but no matter, because for the crowds, it’s all about homegrown terrorism and Guy Fawkes.
A penny for the guy and a penny for your thoughts, before you play your hand — straight As for your poker face and the impressive attention span.
It’s a royal flush of course: you win, take everything-including me-on the table. It’s messy, it’s bold, the cards tumble, fall to the floor.

“Preposterous” I mumble.
Why? I don’t know, maybe the wine was responsible, or this is what happens when sanity crumbles.

“Say it again” he tells me…he insists, when I don’t reply instantly.

I oblige: “Pre-pos-ter-ous”

Possibly the strangest dirty talk ever, have I done weirder? I can’t recall.
Nevertheless, as long as there’s no straight jackets, give us a cell and padded walls—sex laced with intellect from dusk till dawn—I guarantee I’d never get bored.
Pre-pos-ter-ous. Possibly my new favourite word…this, I discovered on a night filled with fireworks, on the
5th of November.