Scared

run-away11

You were still sleeping when I left, when I crept out with the night. As dawn shyly appeared, blushing, embarrassed on my behalf… I hurried, worried, it was rather sordid, as it always is – quick, quick… I was the proverbial thief.

Birds fly away when summer ends, I run away when I get scared. I relish the initial chase, so exciting and safe when it’s all on the surface. As soon as I start to feel, the minute that it gets deep, I freeze: a deer with no headlights, I panic and do a Moonlight flit.
I crave and dread intimacy — ultimately, I’d rather live in the fantasy.

You’re gonna think I was a liar, my words cheap lines borrowed from a bad writer, but the truth is: I’m just a coward — I ran because I felt cornered & I’m unable to move forward.
So, baby, if I left – as you slept – it’s because I was scared.
Too scared to love you. 

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53 thoughts on “Scared

  1. It is a pleasure to see you writing with such raw emotion. Even though this is not poetry, it has a certain lyrical tempo to it. As for its content, I wouldn’t let you leave like that 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Raw emotion is good sometimes. I could have edited the hell out of this and it would have “looked” better but it would have lost some of its power, in my humble opinion 🙂
      Ps: I’m sure you wouldn’t 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been reading your work
        for over a year now. I shut down Poetry by AJ O’Brien
        and started Monogrome
        nightmares a couple of months ago.
        And in my opinion, you are in the top five
        of any of the sites I’ve come across.
        You are an amazing writer, full of vitality
        and your writing is always fresh and different.

        I am truly honoured that you enjoy my poetry.

        Who are the other four you may ask?

        Alan.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am speechless…truly, it is such an honour, thank you for your kind words, they mean so much to me.
        Now I have to ask although of course you are in no way obligated to answer but…who are the other 4?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. In no particular order.

    Copper Cranes
    Poet rummager
    Unbolt
    Southern highways and byways.

    I know there are many wonderful
    sites out there, but including you,
    these are my favourites. 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Okay, 2 of those I have never heard of, I must now check them out. I agree when it comes to the other 2 though, fantastic writers, although I haven’t seen any of their posts for a long while, I should investigate.
      Once again, thank you! From the bottom of my heart, I can’t tell you how flattered and pleased I am by your words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. If there were a vocation that asked of a person to carve truth out of ugly rock and shape it and fashion it into a truth everyone can touch and feel, then I think that would echo the way you write. You are like a crystal ball, you pull back the velvet and you show us through many lights, an insight into a moment, a feeling, a captured moth in the deep of our palm. You read feelings and moments like a ballet dancer touching stage without effort. It is your calling, it’s more than that, it is the world you inhabit, because you are not really among us, you are watching us, and that makes you the sage and the writer many aspire to be, but so. very. few. ever. realize.
    If you blow me away, you blow me into darkness and into dreams and out again and I clutch at your imagination time and again. You are a mistress of the loom and the lore, you speak truth in a world that has grown cautious of it. Never change your skin, never change your heart, never alter your flaws and your wonders, they are what chisel into the callous world around us and make it more than it can ever be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, it’s so funny because all those wonderful, amazing things you’re saying to me…I really feel like they apply to you! You read feelings and moments, and effortlessly pick up all the little truths that add up to the actual real truth. I think I can write somewhat, I may be naturally gifted up to a point, but compared to you…well, I won’t even go there, it really wouldn’t be fair on me.
      In any case, thanks so much for your words which are more warming than the best oak-aged whiskey on this planet. Your awesomeness inspires me! 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A ban (a pox!) on competitions about who is more talented is henceforth enforced 🙂 Let’s leave it with Candy loves Natalie for who she is and ditto and they both rock 🙂 AH you mention oak aged whiskey on a friday! DANGER! BIG LOVE to a beautiful, beautiful friend of mine

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    1. You were a cad, were you? 😜
      Well, the inspiration behind this is actually a guy as well. I wrote it in the first person to make the effect more immediate to the reader, but it is nothing to do with me. I’ve never been afraid to love (well, I have but it never stopped me) and I have the scars to prove it.
      I understand where you’re coming from though, Matt…I’m so glad you found the one who showed you that being vulnerable isn’t always a bad thing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It was actually fun in a sadistic kind of way for a while but yes…lonely and tiring was how it was at the end. I made a decision that I wanted to do it right and that’s when I meant my wife. She couldn’t understand why I shied away from intimacy in the beginning but as time passed I revealed my past…and she stuck around! 😛

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Okay so this was the poem I was talking about, I’m putting it here further down your feed because people get weird ideas and I need to explain this one properly. https://albinophoenix.wordpress.com/2016/07/17/the-blonde/
    Okay so the deal here is, you actually are a brunette, and you actually are beautiful, but that aside, the reason this is and is not about you is you inspired it. I was talking to you one day and I suddenly saw what a man would see in you, and I tried to imagine it and then I wrote it out and then I put it in the perspective of myself, writing about someone who would keep me restless without exactly understanding why. So half of it was you and half of it was my imagination or maybe a person I’d fancied in the past. The way some people are with writing they’ll take it wrong, think I fancy you, I know you won’t but that’s why I didn’t dedicated it to you because it would have given most people that impression. I absolutely loathe it when gay girls or bi girls fancy me in obvious, predictable ways, and that’s not what this was about at all but at the same time it was you who inspired it so you should know that. The reason you did has nothing to do with fancying you because I don’t but more that I could understand WHY someone would and I saw you as this really perfect imperfection, you had something about you that was way beyond what most people have. I can see that objectively, it’s true, it’s a ‘thing’ I can’t actually give it words, I remember when I was a kid my dad had this gf she was like that too, very attractive but it wasn’t that it was something about her, and I was trying to put that indefinable into words. I don’t think I got it with this poem, but the intent was there, and it was about you because you’re the sort of woman a lot of men could fall to their knees over, so don’t worry about putting on one pound or something, from not smoking (really proud of you / know how hard that is / did it myself after years of smoking and loving it / very hard / kudos and respect sister). For what it’s worth I think older women (you’re not ‘older’) are really far more beautiful than younger women, and you won’t even age when you do. Anyway so you said no girl has written a poem about you, and it’s such a cliche to have a gay girl do it, everyone will say ‘ah ha!’ but that’s not it, not an ‘ah ha!’ moment, more like I can see what men see, and write it out in a way that isn’t wrong, yeah I can be objective, (on a good day) and see what others see, and it’s worthwhile mentioning that you are beautiful though I didn’t say that here, because I was trying to describe WHAT the indescribable was (it can’t be done, some people just GOT IT). It’s rare Nathalie, to have whatever that indescribable thing is, some would stupidly say it’s that your French but I’m French I don’t have it, few women do, it’s a really rare thing and it will see you through and make men’s hearts break and I’m a sadist so I kinda laugh when I think on that 😉 Anyway sister, hope you get my meaning and don’t put me in the category of lustful lezzie though that would make me laugh I’m too sophisticated to be a dyke or a lusting strap-on butch by far … give me some red heels and a bottle of good wine ANY day. If I were God making women, i’d be glad I made you. Nuff said.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wasn’t sure where I should reply to you about the poem. I’m replying here thinking, like you, that nobody will see it. Not that there’s anything shameful being discussed here haha and anyway I don’t think anyone would be interested 😉
      That said, I read it, a few times, and let me just say first that I do NOT in any way shape or form flatter myself that you’d have some kind of crush on me. I mean, it kind of made me laugh that you’d be worried about it although I totally get where you’re coming from: gay girl writing something inspired by straight girl…yeah, some would jump to conclusions real fast, but not I!
      I am aware of the distinction between writing FOR someone and writing being inspired BY someone, completely different things, and it was very clear reading your poem that I may have been the inspiration but that it wasn’t actually about me. There’s another reason I understand it but I’ll tell you later.
      Now that’s out of the way, I got it I think. The confusion ensuing after you feel all kind of things for someone that you never thought you’d feel something for. It’s weird and it makes your head spin trying to understand it. I like to think I have a type, I mean, I do have a type, however I’ve been “caught” a couple of times by guys that couldn’t have been further removed from my type if they tried. So yeah, it was strange and me being me, I agonised over it, the how and why and so on (gosh I can be such a pain lol).
      Your poem was, as usual, beautifully written, really emotive and plain gorgeous. I must say I’m honoured (hope that doesn’t sound pompous, it does doesn’t it?) that I should have inspired it.
      Now, remember I said a bit earlier that I totally understood the difference between writing about someone and being inspired by them…well, I know you read “Not a beautiful ending” yesterday, one of my latest posts, and it was actually inspired by you. Obviously you wouldn’t have known that and how could you? But, like you, it was inspired by you but not about you. It’s funny coz I wrote it before I knew you’d written something yourself, although it was only last week, so after your own efforts.
      So, last week, I was just thinking that we probably would be such good friends in “real” life, that we’d have those long passionate convos about things and that I’d probably feel really, REALLY close to you. I don’t open up that easily to people and I don’t have lots of friends because in that area of my life, like others, I privilege quality over quantity. And there’s the fact I’m dead honest and can’t stand superficiality or small talk, so you can imagine that I don’t have a hundred friends, but the ones I have I’m real close to and I’m dead loyal to them as well. We’ve discussed this before too but I have way more guy friends than girls because of the whole competitive streak and all that shit. I think girls should support each other but all too often girls backstab other girls more efficiently than a guy ever could. Ugh that drives me nuts! So, anyway, gosh it’s turning out to be an essay hahaha sorry! I was thinking about you and all that and it inspired the “not a beautiful ending” because I was wondering what it would be like to have all those feelings for a gay girl when I’m as straight as they get and how confusing that would be…I mean, I’ve never even kissed a girl, not even been “curious” or rather I have been, but it turns out that I can totally appreciate another girl’s beauty and yet recoil at the thought of physical contact with her…it’s just one of those things, I can’t change it, and I don’t want to, even though we’re all supposed to be “open-minded” and “sexy” and I actually think a lot of girls who play the bi card do it because men simply fucking love it. And that annoys the fuck out of me too coz, by all means, be bi if that’s who you actually are but don’t do it to snare a guy or drive him wild or whatever. I HATE when girls fake it for the sake of guys! I mean, if you being you is not enough then fuck the guy, you know?
      I remember us talking ages ago and you said it’s nice when 2 girls are nice to each other without wanting bi fun and I said well no risk with me coz I’m as straight as a die, no matter how boring that makes me and you were like, don’t say that, don’t apologise for being who you are and I thought…bloody hell, she SO totally gets it, coz I wasn’t actually apologising or thinking I’m boring, I was just (obscurely) commenting on the fact that too many girls fake the bi thing and it mightily pisses me off.
      Okay, now I’ll shut up haha
      See? I could talk to you for ever, it’s weird and it’s just amazing

      Liked by 1 person

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