Cinderella was in the scullery, cleaning up the mess her two bitch stepsisters had left after a late night supper, when her Fairy Godmother came in and said: “the time has come for your life to change, my child. You shall have a beautiful gown and go to the ball tonight. Prince Charming will pledge his love for you and you will have a wedding befitting a princess.”
Cinderella replied: “I wouldn’t mind going to the ball, I haven’t been out of this house for years. And how I’d love a beautiful gown!
I do not want Prince Charming’s love though, I heard he cannot string a sentence together and has never read a book in his life.
If you want to help me, can you please put me through Law School instead? I’ve been reading up on it, and although Human Rights Law is appealing to me for obvious reasons, I’m more interested in Criminal Law – wouldn’t it be fantastic if I ended up nailing my stepmother for stealing my inheritance the way she did?
Father has been rendered blind by her ginormous fake boobs and can’t see past them – he’s let her get away with murder because she knows a few tricks in the bedroom. My father is a deeply flawed human being who’s being led by his dick – so I’ve been reduced to being a maid to a selfish whore and her vile daughters – in my own home!
You’re right Fairy Godmother, it’s time for my life to change – but if you’re going to use your magic wand to help me, do it so I can help myself. Law school is the way to go, not Prince Charming.”
Fairy Godmother was left bemused by this speech – she suddenly felt out of touch with the world – but she’d always had a soft spot for Cinderella whom she found such an unusual child.
“Young girls these days! You and your modern ways….. I must confess I don’t understand it, are you sure about Prince Charming? He’s very handsome you know, and all the girls want him…..”
“Handsome isn’t enough Godmother! I need a man who can stimulate my brain, someone who can challenge me. Handsome is alright for a quick roll between the sheets, but…. that’s it! In any case, it’s not a man I need right now – but the means to escape this house and have the life I need and deserve. And that means Law School. Please Fairy Godmother?”
Fairy Godmother could not resist this plea. After all, her wish was to help Cinderella and no, this was not the way things were supposed to go (she had been so sure marriage to Prince Charming was what any girl wanted) but only a fool would refuse to adapt to circumstances.
So it was that Cinderella went to Law School, graduated with honours and joined a promising Law Firm. She specialised in criminal Law and soon became a kick-ass Lawyer with a stellar career – the highlight of which came when she opened for the prosecution after her stepmother was busted for some shady property deals.
The whore stepmother went down for 5 years, and that day was a sweet one for Cinderella.
One of her stepsisters ended up marrying Prince Charming and gave him 3 kids – though at least two of them bore a striking resemblance to the candlestick-maker. Not that Prince Charming noticed – he really was that dim – plus he was too busy spreading his seed all over the kingdom anyway.
The other stepsister started turning tricks in the woods outside the castle after her mother’s jail sentence; not surprisingly, her married-to-a-Prince bitch sister turned her back on her.
Cinderella’s father found another wife with (fake) pneumatic breasts and suffered a coronary one night while his face was buried in them. He died with his head stuck in between two large silicone bags – it’s fair to say Cinderella didn’t mourn him much.
Cinderella had a 6-year relationship that ultimately didn’t work out. She’s currently dating someone though. She’s happy.
The Fairy Godmother has caught up with modern ways. She sips at her glass of Chablis and marvels at Cinderella’s wisdom – and at the fact this smart girl taught an actual Fairy Godmother ffs, a valuable lesson: it takes a hell of a lot more than a magic wand to change someone’s life for the better.
*Repost from June 2015. One of my friends was perusing my blog this morning since his boss is out of the office today (when the cat’s away and all that) and he texted me to enthuse over this particular post. I hadn’t read it in ages but while doing so, I realised that I really like this little tale…so here it is again 🙂 *
Image: my own