Alive

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You feel alive, you haven’t felt anything like this in a long time. 
You feel changed, renewed, like your dreams are finally coming true…like you’re catching a break, you have found your soulmate – the potency of new supply is unrivalled, there is nothing more powerful.
Are you even aware, yourself, of the cycle? Or do you believe it’s fate, higher powers colliding, destiny intervening to make you happy…you do, don’t you? You poor deluded fool.
You’re feeding off a high that won’t last, sooner rather than later you’re going to crash down to earth
and it’s going to hurt
like hell,
you’ll feel empty again
bereft
and your supply will be left behind
with nothing but shards of broken glass.
But, for a short while, you’re alive
the intensity of it
is worth everything
worth destroying
people, anything standing in your path
Meanwhile,
I, too, feel alive
but my alive is not dependent on a tide,
external sources or supply,
my alive is real,
not a powerful illusion,
it comes from deep inside
me, from a strong will, from inner strength
I have come through the other side
intact, free, with an honest heart & a victor’s enigmatic smile — alive

The therapist I used to work with takes a look at this blog from time to time (thank you!) and he suggested I come up with a short, poetic & *positive* piece about “surviving” NPD – I’m not sure if this is what he was after, but here it is.

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18 thoughts on “Alive

    1. Looool this therapist can hardly be accused of being mercenary since he told me over 2 years ago our sessions were now at an end as I had become “too self-aware” thus I no longer needed his services. I haven’t been on his “couch” or given him any money since 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Hello friend
    Survive you did! It takes everything you can muster to not just get away, it’s picking up the pieces after. I’m so happy you are on the loving side, it’s hard to do after a trauma. If you have love for yourself, you can love anyone, that is strength.
    Hugs
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello! Yes, you are right, getting away is only the beginning of the fight, reclaiming yourself and learning to trust again comes next and it’s not easy. It’s all behind me now, I am indeed on the “loving side” 🙂
      Hugs and 💜 to you

      Like

  2. Okay maybe I’m reading this wrong but when I did this is what I read and I immediately shouted YES at the end!
    I read this to be – the unbearable lightness of being. We feel alive, we’re so fucking glad for being alive, then we know we’re going to plummet, it’s not bipolar, it’s more the mercury of existing and knowing that things hurt so much and we feel so much and then we plunge into somewhere we feel we’ll never survive. That’s because if you meet your soul mate or lover, you feel this incredible INSANITY and then you also feel really fucked up because it takes so much it leaves no air behind, but it’s a high you’d never throw away though you might be turning blue.
    That’s how I read it anyway and I thought it was SO on the money.
    I don’t think I have ever read a poem that EXPLAINS how we feel when we are love
    sure we read a lot about love but explaining the actual madness of it? Not so easy.
    You did it – seemingly without effort
    DAMN

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  3. If your writing is an indication… you have most definitely ‘come through the other side’… most beautifully intact. Thank you for sharing this with us Nathalie… It’s a wonderful thing when someone shares such beautiful emotions. There are many of us who benefit greatly from those who have struggled… survived… and can share their inner strength with others…
    Thank you…

    Liked by 1 person

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