Expectations

I lost a follower on Twitter yesterday. No big deal, it happens all the time. This one though had sent me a DM the night before asking me if I liked his new blog.
The DM was sent after midnight so I read it the next day, visited the blog and read a bunch of posts. I then proceeded to reply to said DM and that’s when I realised I had been unfollowed.
This is a person I know from WordPress, we’ve exchanged a few words on Twitter here and there but it has been nothing more than a very casual type of “acquaintance”.
So, I replied to him and jokingly asked if I had been unfollowed because I hadn’t read his DM till the next day: I said if that was the case, it was rather silly.

The reply shocked me a little: “that’s not the reason and you know it Nathalie”

Well, he was clearly angry which I hadn’t expected and I had NO idea what he was talking about so I told him so.

He replied: “lack of support! I’m always giving…ok! No support at all.”

This, I really didn’t expect so I asked what he had given me exactly.

“Fucking plenty of mentions, RTs, comments. “

Ohhhh, so that was it.

The thing is, I got Twitter long before I had a blog, I’ve always used it primarily for info (it’s the journalism thing) and it didn’t change when I signed up with WordPress. I know a lot of you use Twitter to promote other bloggers and their posts but I’ve never really done that. On occasions I’ve tweeted something that has really moved me for whatever reasons but it’s rare – it’s just not what I use Twitter for.

As I told this person, I assumed he favourited my tweets because they came up on his timeline, his never did on mine. I vaguely recall him retweeting something of mine here and there and a mention (which I thanked him for) not long ago but it can’t have happened that much or I’d remember.
I was obviously expected to return the favour, and I didn’t and it pissed him off. Well, I can understand he got fed up now I know what I was “meant” to do, but I didn’t know that’s what he was waiting for. I’ve never done that “like for like” thing, I find it ridiculous. If I tweet or retweet stuff, I never expect the person I’ve retweeted to do the same for me – I retweet (or favourite) something because I liked it, end of.
You see, I find it a bit much that someone would say I don’t give back because of a few RTs.

Earlier this year, when my “friend” had exams coming up and was going crazy because of it, I practically lived at his place for a few weeks. I went grocery shopping for him, never took any money for it either because he said “things were tight”, I cooked loads because I wanted him to eat healthily so it would help with the stress and his general health, I went through his revision questions with him (even though it was a subject I knew nothing about), quizzed him, etc…I don’t drive so I had to rely on the shitty transport system to get back home: he has a car but was too pressed for time to give me lifts home, it was fine, I was okay with making my own way back. I usually ended up walking home late at night because there were no trains or buses. I went to both his exams with him, got up extra early each time to make sure I would have time to go to Starbucks on the way to his place so he’d have a “proper” coffee. It was a tiring time, not least because he was so down all the time and I had to keep “propping” him up, I had to keep doing motivational speeches – I invested a hell of a lot of time AND energy in him. I was having family issues as well at the time but didn’t tell him about it because I figured he already had enough to deal with: he was a mess, I didn’t want to add to his stress.

While all this was going on, I wrote a piece for him which is still one of my most popular posts: “Rock” – I didn’t tell him I wrote it but I knew he’d see it because he checked out the blog as he was email subscribed; I dedicated this write-up to him publicly at the end of the post (I have since removed his name at the end of said post).
Well, I got one text from him a couple of hours after the post was published with one emoji: “😘”
That’s it, not a word, not anything…BUT he then went on Facebook and checked in at the cinema with a couple of friends posting that they were “looking after him 😍” when I was the one who was doing the looking after, his friends merely went to the cinema with him, such hardship! Love was also poured over everyone who posted on his FB wall while I got one fucking emoji for “Rock”. When I pointed out to him it was quite hurtful that he should take the time to reply to banal FB posts from his friends (you know the type of posts: “I miss you and I love you”) declaring his undying love for them while I never even got a one word reply for a piece of writing dedicated to him, he told me that I was “too sensitive” (yet again) and that if I’d only posted it on his FB wall then he would have replied properly! It was such a ridiculous thing to say, I dropped the subject.

You can see what I had to put up with – I truly had the patience of a saint. But, I still helped him throughout, I really was his “rock”… and as soon as the exams were over, all the promises I’d heard while I was helping him of “doing something fun once the exams are done” just…didn’t materialise, because he was always busy doing things with other people. Then I went through a bad time when I needed some moral support and he wasn’t there for me at all, couldn’t even send me ONE text to check I was okay. When I told him I was incredibly disappointed by his lack of support, he unleashed a torrent of abuse on me.

Now, THAT is what I call: “giving all the time and getting no support” – forget bloody Retweets!! Now, THAT is worth getting upset about, not Retweets! 

I documented it too much on the blog, that person is no longer in my life, because it was something that kept repeating itself: me doing loads over the years and getting nothing back. It took me a (very) long time to say: enough! I mean, we had other problems beside his utter selfishness but that’s another story – too many bits and pieces of it have already appeared on this blog.
I am such a loyal person, that’s who I am: if we’re friends, I’ll always have your back – if you need me, I’ll always be there for you. And I do it because I want to, because I care about you, not because I expect anything back. However, if you keep letting me down should I occasionally need your support, then…eventually, we’re going to have a problem.

It’s not even as if I’m just ‘generous’ with friends, I am like that with everyone. Just a couple of nights ago I spent 30 minutes walking the streets with a Japanese girl who couldn’t find her way back to her host family. She hardly spoke any English and it took me forever to understand what she wanted when she first approached me. It was dark, I was already late, but she was lost and getting frantic – there was no way I was going to leave her there. I took charge, got her to take her iPhone out so I could understand exactly where it was she was meant to go, then I went up to every door to check house numbers because I didn’t actually know the address – we eventually found it, she was incredibly relieved and really grateful. I do things like that all the time, I have NO merit though, because I just cannot walk past someone who needs help. I always think: what if it was me who needed help? Wouldn’t I want someone to be helpful? YES, I bloody would, hence why I do what I do.

My (long-winded) point is, I just can’t believe I’ve been told I’m selfish because of Retweets.
We all know what the blogging community is like: some people you connect with more than others. I wish I had more time to be supportive on WordPress, there are a lot of people I enjoy the posts of and click “like” before moving on without commenting. I don’t like doing it, I feel bad doing it, but there just isn’t enough time. I mainly (though not solely) comment on the blogs of the people I have really connected with, the people who blow me away, not just with their posts but also with their personalities.
Is that selfish? Yes, it is but I think it’s the kind of selfishness most of us are guilty of. In an ideal world (one with 48 hours in a day) I would do more, I really would. It doesn’t help that WordPress has a habit of unfollowing people for you so they just disappear until one day, you wonder what has happened and why you haven’t seen them in ages. The fact people switch blogs or start new ones is also challenging to say the least, it really makes it hard to keep up with them.

I’m aware I’ve been slack at times on WordPress because the last few months have been difficult for me, but I’ve really tried to keep up or catch up with the people who really matter to me. If I’ve noticed somebody I don’t know that well is visiting my blog regularly, I will always visit them back – it’s just common courtesy. I don’t necessarily expect others to do the same though: if I read your posts it’s because I like your writing or what you write about, or both – I don’t expect you to rush to my blog in return.
I’ve done my best in stressful and busy times: I haven’t been able to do anymore than that and I’m sorry for it, but that’s just the way it is.
So, dear blogger, and ex-Twitter follower: I’m very sorry that I’ve upset you, I genuinely didn’t mean to – I think we clearly misunderstood each other and had different expectations of what this very casual acquaintance thingy meant. I haven’t unfollowed you (back) on Twitter and I wish you well – may you find more rewarding Twitter followers than me.

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50 thoughts on “Expectations

    1. It really does hurt, but as you say, such is life.
      I’m going to take this opportunity to say that I think you are a fantastic writer – one of those I don’t tell but it doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re incredibly talented.
      Take care and best wishes 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You are being very generous and kind here. This type of short fuse anger and childish retreating instead of a mature conversation really belongs to Kindergarden, not in the adult world.
    Sorry you had to go through this. You have attracted a few stinkers, may I say. Your world is brighter without them. Enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had to rescue you from the spam folder, isn’t it outrageous? lol
      Yes, I have attracted a few people that I really could have done without, among my friends I am known as the “weirdo magnet” haha
      Thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to say I completely relate to everything you’ve just said. I have so many people on my follow list that I simply don’t have the time to comment as much as I’d like. It’s just not possible. I can understand them getting annoyed though, as I certainly would too (and have done), but what can you do?

    Expectations will always be frustrated whenever people are involved. It’s just how it is. Not making excuses or anything. In certain cases it’s just not cool (like in the case of your former friend), and in other cases it’s nothing personal. Gah. What do you think? Is it better to become a hermit or something? 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. See, I have never got annoyed at anyone on here apart from this one blogger I read regularly, I commented on every post and yet, after a full 6 months, this person had still not had a look at my blog. I thought that was pushing it, but apart from that one case, I’ve never had reason to be peeved with anybody.
      You’re right, where there are people, there will be expectations and they can’t all be met.
      Sometimes, becoming a hermit sounds real good! Maybe we could live in caves, not too far from each other so we can have a chat once in a while. Oh, wait! We’re not even hermits yet and already I have expectations 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  3. that was long but totally worth the read..and i relate to it. sadly that’s how the world works, people always expect something in return and true genuine support and friendship is often wasted on people that dont deserve it..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think that expecations are the ruin of so many relationships. I feel that if I don’t expect anything, I’ll never be disappointed. It’s sad that your friend never reciprocated the support that you showed him. I think it’s better that this person is gone from your life. And I’m as guilty as you are with liking posts and not commenting. Sometimes other people have commented thoughts that mine would simply duplicated. Other times I have nothing to add, so I just “like” it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a good point, Rob. I sometimes don’t comment because I’m “late to the party” and people have already said what I would have.
      As for not expecting anything so as not to be disappointed, I get that but…it is kinda sad…probably the way to go though

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Twitter is a strange one. I follow, rt and 💜 people that mean something to me. That touch me in some way. I’ve never expected anything back from people. But people really do seem to have a strong idea of ‘rules’ in their head. As for your friend. I totally understand and relate to that. Exactly what I do. Did for my best friend. Everything was always fine so long as I was giving and he didn’t have too. It’s heart breaking isn’t it. When they aren’t there when you need them. You are a kind soul who treats the world as you’d like to be treated. It’s totally their loss. Friends like you are rare and should be kept close. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s how Twitter is for me too, there shouldn’t be any “rules” that one has to follow.
      I’m terribly sorry you went through this situation with your friend, it IS heartbreaking because I could never treat people that way and I can’t understand why others would want to. In the end, it also made me question the entire “friendship”. Anyway, what’s done is done.
      Thank you for your thoughts and your kind words, I’m glad you decided to share your experiences with me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Spot on your post. As for twitter, I had the same reaction from someone who unfollowed me. I think it is silly to expect people to retweet you just because you retweeted them. If they do write good stuff then you might retweet but you can’t just do it because they are tweeting you. Anyway, most of the social media is lame. I only like wordpress because of the interesting things you can read and even there don’t have much time, just like you. I think expectation is what hurts the most, therefore not expecting anything is possibly the best way forward for anything, social media or just generic things in life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are totally right, people shouldn’t have expectations on social media or if they really can’t help themselves, at least they should lower them. We are all busy and all have lives, we just have to do the best we can.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Bloody hell, you can’t seem to catch a break this year! Stay the way you are, as your genuine interest in those of us who are lucky enough to receive it is wonderful and engaging. Leave behind anyone who gets slighted by your Twitter usage, you’ve got precious little time to read posts online as it is! 😀
    Again, sorry to hear about your false friend, but it’s his HUGE loss, not yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. For chrisakes – it’s blogging, it’s twitter, we all have REAL lives, or at least we SHOULD!
    No one should take any of that stuff personal. It’s impossible to know for sure what is going on with the person at the other end or with they did or didn’t respond or like or retweet or whatever.
    Keeping score takes way more time and effort than I’m interested in investing – merde!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “we all have REAL lives, or at least we SHOULD!” –
      YES! Exactly! I’m sure some people have more time on their hands than others and if they choose to spend it on Twitter in the elusive search for followers and support, then good for them, each to their own and all that, but not all of us have an unlimited time to spend online. Not all us WANT to spend all that time online AND not all of us care enough about followers to actually start “keeping score”. Plus, you’re right, we never know what is happening on the other side of the screen, the “hows” and the “whys”
      Life IS definitely too short – merde! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m not defending the guy but perhaps he was taking out his frustration with other bloggers on you. It is not fair to be blamed. That person you helped out who only sent you a smiley emoji was inconsiderte. Many bloggers feel that way when they are ignored after reading another blogger’s posts day after day. We are not entitled to “followers” or subscribers. If he followed you on Twitter for mentions and retweets and gets none of what he’s expecting, I think it is reasonable for him to unfollow you if that is not what he’s getting. There are people commenting on this post, for example, whose blogs I’ve visited and commented on whose Gravatars I’ve never seen around mine. If I keep supporting people who don’t care what I have to say, I’m going to neglect someone who’s always there for me. It is a reasonable reaction to stop, I think.

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    1. Anybody who follows me on Twitter for mentions and retweets is wasting their time. WHO even follows people JUST for that?! Not the kind of people I want to interact with.
      It is not the way I use Twitter, and nobody should assume that I’m going to use it the way they do. After all, I don’t assume people I follow are using Twitter for the same reasons I am. Also, if you do get frustrated because you’re not “getting back” what you want from a Twitter follower, by all means, do unfollow, but don’t throw a tantrum about it, you know?
      I get your point about not supporting other bloggers who don’t support you: it is how you feel and you’re entitled to that opinion but yet again that’s not how I see blogging. I just want to follow people who inspire me, I’m going to read their posts because I want to, not because I want them to read mine. I get that it’s harsh to never ever acknowledge someone who visits you often, but I don’t do that myself, or at least if I’ve done it it’s certainly not on purpose. I think my point was that we all have different expectations and some of those are more unreasonable than others.
      By the way, I genuinely enjoy your posts but I cannot remember the last time you popped up in my Reader. I would say months ago for sure. I think every time I’ve visited I’ve had to hunt you down and go through a bunch of posts all at once.
      Lastly: you are right when you say we are not entitled to followers or subscribers, it works both ways though. I am not entitled to this particular follower just as he’s not entitled to me following him the way he wants me to.
      Hope you’re okay, I’m due a visit at yours, which will be in the morning now as I’m on my way to bed 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree that throwing a tantrum was not necessary. I should have added that in my comment. At the same time, I am sure you understand that people are not going to come right out and say what they want from you. They expect it or feel entitled, which is why that person’s reaction might have been so intense. Again, I’m not defending him. Some bloggers see blogging as a business or leveraged relationship. They invest their time and want the same. It is good that you have published this post to explain what you are willing/not willing to do for others. Best wishes.

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      2. I have just visited your blog, I read your latest post and was redirected to another about comments. May I just say that I have never felt that I was “owed” subscribers or followers – the thought would never enter my mind. I wrote about losing that follower on Twitter because his reaction was excessive to me, not because I was upset about losing him. I lose followers all the time for various reasons and I really couldn’t care less – truly.
        I can now see that you feel very strongly about this whole subject. I do agree with your views that people should reply to comments, it’s such a given that I’m amazed it has to be stated.
        Anyway, have a lovely day. In the blogging sphere as well as the real world 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks for your followup comment, Nathalie. I ranted about a lot of things, in 2015. It helped to keep things calm. Then, I stopped but recently, some readers assumed that I’m soft spoken or here to help them go viral, hence the need to restate the obvious. There are too many examples to put in the post. This has been an ongoing discussion between me and a few other bloggers. Luckily, you have many friends on WordPress who appreciate you. Have a great weekend. Warm wishes. xo

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Oh, I forgot: the person who sent me that emoji after everything I had done was not just inconsiderate, he was cold and very selfish…the emoji thing added to all the rest of it makes for a far worse judgement than that in my opinion.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Taking on a blog is a massive task, especially when one gets a load of regular followers and has a full time job, offline people to talk to and the usual crap life throws out. I would think he would show more understanding as we all have the same struggles, that you went out of your way to help him and he then does this for a non reason, well you’re best off out of it.

    Personally I think if a blogger connects it should be because they like you work and want to read more, mutual support doesn’t come into it unless that blogger likes and follows you back. Even then I would be happy with comments. So many are mercenary about expecting people to advertise them without the need to do so back. It’s the side of blogging I hate.

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  11. The deeper message is that when a person especially someone who could potentially fancy you (and probably does) gets disproportionately bent out of shape, you have to ask yourself, is this about you or is this about him/her? I think in 99 percent of cases it’s about them.
    Insecurity runs rampant. Re-blogging/mutual appreciation be dammed, you give because you want to give not because you expect it to be returned.
    If he feels there is a friendship quota, he’s probably a ten year old pretending to be a man.
    On a serious note this is very common-place, the irony of ‘you’re too sensitive’ followed by being sensitive themselves. Often when someone ‘thinks’ they know you they ‘think’ they know how to hurt you and will do so if you don’t play the obedient puppetier. It’s all just absurd and a total joke.
    I had a man I didn’t know at all tell me to fuck myself because I hadn’t checked his blog in one week. I’m being serious. This is an adult person.
    I laugh because if I do anything else I might have to get a very heavy stick. xo
    Just know that anyone who knows YOU knows you’re about as far from selfish as they get.

    Like

  12. Throwing ones toys out of the pram over a ‘Like for not like’ IS ridiculous and quite frankly a little pathetic, I’ll comment and reply to blogs I follow and posts I like all day long, but as for wanting something in return that’s just plain dishonest.

    Liked by 1 person

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