No shadow

~ Purpleanais

Even at that very last moment, I couldn’t help but be lenient. I guess it was just the habit, deeply ingrained, to spare you. I said most of the things I needed to, but each harsh word was enveloped in something soft to minimise its impact. I had meant to mention the money, the shame I feel on your behalf that you should haven taken and never repaid all that you obtained under false pretences.

Yet I abstained from referring to it, why? Honesty must apply to one as well as others – I am weak. And while delivering blows, I was still seeking to protect the criminal from the worst of the consequences of his own actions.
Is it any wonder you should have taken so much and left me in the lurch? That you were ungrateful, pushed me to the edge and precipitated my fall? That you showed no remorse for the trust you broke? That you lied to my face, lied to the very end, as you’d done so many times before?

Obviously, to some degree, I must be responsible. There can be no abuse without a victim, who is on some deep unconscious level, willing.
There is a fracture in me, childhood wounds never healed which enabled your toxicity.
We are both broken in different ways: you selfishly take everything while I selflessly give all – different cuts, different behaviour and very different results. While I seek to bring light to others, you unload your dark onto them — I try to heal, you poison.
It stands to reason that ours was a deadly attraction.

You are the vampire who almost bled me dry, but not quite, as I pulled back just in time.
You went off to find a fresh victim, having learnt nothing, as you never will, and I accepted there are people you just cannot fix.

I lay in bed, shivering with cold, all those thoughts twirling in my head, half delirious with fever brought on by a flu strain and I think:
you will eventually be consumed by that gaping hole at your core. You’ve lost too much weight, maybe? I don’t know, but you looked drawn, and old, when I saw you a week ago. New lines were showing on your face, bags under your eyes with a febrile light dancing inside them. You’ve been wearing the mask for a few weeks now, pretty much on a constant basis, it is definitely taking its toll – convincing the new victim, and therefore yourself, that you’re perfect is exhausting.
How long until the mask slips? Until cracks appear in the facade? Not much longer by the look of you: replicating, imitating feelings you know nothing about is taxing — adoration needed by those incapable of real love comes at such a heavy price.

Soon, the mirror is going to shatter and when the sun reappears you’ll be casting no shadow. None at all. While mine will be standing tall. Honestly? I take no comfort in that thought.

*I have been struck down by a flu virus thingy. I haven’t been ill since last December so I should really count myself lucky, but I’ve been shivering in bed all day with an awful headache, feeling utterly miserable.*

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41 thoughts on “No shadow”

  1. This person sounds self centered, self destructive and poisonous. I’m glad that you’re rid of him. Please get well, Nathalie. I need you healthy for book reading, and the premiere of the Walking Dead next week. 💗

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      2. You won’t have to wait that long. There’s no way I’m waiting till Monday night which is when it’s screened on tv over here – I’m going to download it first thing Monday morning, so we can discuss by lunchtime 😉

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  5. there are people you just cannot fix – This is so hard for me too. So hard. My heart wants to hold everyone who hurts or needs help and it can’t. 😦 For so many reasons… anyway, I am glad you can process this- that’s what so many people can never do and so they repeat repeat repeat. I hope you feel better soon too. The flu is no fun. I got it last spring for the first time in a decade or more. Rest up!

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    1. No, you cannot fix people, you can only help them fix themselves and even for that they have to be willing.
      It’s hard, isn’t it? Being an empath. I would hope I never repeat the same mistakes I’ve made but sometimes I think being self-aware isn’t enough, because…the heart…the heart overrides the head so often.
      Anyway, I don’t think I’ve got the actual flu because last December I was in bed, DYING, for 10 days and things are not quite as dire this time. I hadn’t had the flu in years either and it was horrible. I’m hoping to shake this one up quickly – touch wood.
      Thank you, Vic, for reminding me I’m not the only “all giving” soul out there. And for your kind wishes 🙂

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      1. I know I have repeated the same mistakes. I wrote a poem about it once but forgot what it’s called. It’s about seeing a tsunami wave and just turning around and standing there watching it. Because I see myself doing the same things and I’m not sure if I’m learning because I’m aware and I react differently or if I’m just a freakin’ idiot. 🙂
        “the heart overrides the head so often.” – That’s exactly my issue.

        Well, I hope it’s not the flu and you will feel better much sooner! 🙂

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  6. Get well soon. I think it is important to remember that we allow things to happen because there is a deeper reason for it, not necessarily just because we want to fix it. Each person, however bad he/she may seem serves a purpose in their encounter with you. They teach you precious insights about yourself and the world around you.

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    1. Very deep and wise thoughts here, you might well be right! I just wish I could have been taught those “precious insights” without being driven to the edge of madness. I ended up in therapy 2 and a half years ago because of this one person and even after that I allowed him to re-enter my life and create more chaos. Now I have finally closed the door for good, recovered from the health problems caused by all this and still, his lies, manipulation and deceit hover in the corners of my mind. I am happy in ever aspect but the thought he is still around and now in the process of wrecking somebody else’s life is hard to take.

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    1. Thank you, T 🙂
      It’s weird when everybody thinks you’re so strong and yet you let that kind of shit happen, time and time again until you really can’t take it anymore. I’ve talked about this particular thing far too often on the blog because it went on for years, to my great shame. I’m sure people are bored by it now, and it’s fine, because all those different posts are a form of self-therapy.
      Thanks again, your words and thoughts are greatly appreciated 🙂

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      1. Well, I’m not bored with it. I’m a believer in talking about things for as long and for as often as we need. Otherwise, how do we gain the insight that’s needed to hopefully progress through the issue at hand? And we can only do that one step at a time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is just a self help ‘guru’ looking for people to scam. 😛

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      2. Aw, thanks T! Gosh I have a problem with self-help gurus looking for people to scam. It’s like those motivational quotes that make NO sense whatsoever: “you’re a special little snow flake” “you’re not a drop in the ocean, you’re the entire ocean” – I mean WTAF? 😂

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  15. Maybe the definition of narcissism is that they neither ‘own’ their own conscience or consequence which in some ways, is like not owning and thus not having a shadow? If so then your title has a double meaning and is even more apropos than at first glance! Oh I do think when we feel sick physically it is because our hearts are sick and our immunity plummets, we can only take the shit for so long before we implode. Giving ourselves time to dwell and freak and chill is essential, taking a day out of our lives, a week, a freakin month, to get away and from under that shadow. Hell to the yeah. I used to find chain smoking and alcohol a good succor but not so much these days my new healthy self protests (boo hiss) so what is a girl to do? I think you have the right idea. You work so hard, you take on so much, and it’s a lot, to juggle that and the bullshit. Then again it produces these thoughts that you share with us, both honest, wry and humorous in that way where we can all nod and shake our heads and know what it feels like. You are the real velvet rabbit Nathalie and you dare to be honest and that is why I will always be reading you.

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    1. Yes! You got the “no shadow” thing!
      I love that you always get my titles when I do occasionally get clever with one (not often but it happens).
      Yeah, my heart suffered because of the fuckwit, not eating and not sleeping + chain smoking fucks you up bad – my immunity was shot at the time. That was more than 2 years ago though and he never managed to get me as low as that again but I do think the stress he’s caused me on and off ever since has been bad enough to probably cause unseen damage. Whatever. I don’t smoke anymore but a glass of wine or a little vodka I’m not adverse to haha
      I do try to take better care of myself these days, take time off, recharge.
      He’s out of my life now, thank fuck but I have no merit for that fact because it’s simply that the never ending cycle we were in just got smaller and smaller reactions out of me. At first it was devastation and burning pain and then it got less and less until when it all finally blew up in June all I felt was…fed up. That’s when I knew I was about to FINALLY be free of it all.

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      1. It is weird how long it takes. I get that because it can take AGES to eradicate someone from your system and begin to purge (through writing) I still write about shit that happened eons ago I figure it helps. I’m really glad he’s gone, because someone like you does not need your light diminished by the selfishness of someone who believes errantly that they control you. Boy was he wrong

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