Empath

~ Purpleanais

image

On the outside, I was
well put-together, a polished shell
luxurious mane of dark hair
skin delicate porcelain
bright cyan eyes
popular, clever, straight A’s
window dressing at best—
at worse, half-truths and lies
which were betrayed
by chewed-up nails
hands continuously restless
overflowing ashtrays
piling up around me like used cars
in a dealer’s yard
I ran with scissors
juggled with razors
under the cover of darkness
this, the predators
knew, felt
they could smell weakness
a need to love and help
so great
it would seal my fate
tie me to a runaway train
for more years than I could bear
they—could hardly believe their luck
couldn’t wait to fuck me
and fuck me up
defective and mean
they’d bite
claws digging into soft flesh
they’d forgotten or didn’t recognise kindness
perhaps never knew it,
lacked it, hence hated it
either way it came to the same thing
and it’d always end in the same fashion
I’d bleed, weep
my tears falling, for myself
but mostly for them
I hadn’t managed to fix my pain
but even worse, I hadn’t fixed theirs

70 thoughts on “Empath”

    1. Thank you, Holly! Sometimes I feel like my head will explode with the thoughts and feelings of people I meet, or know already. I can never watch X-Men without identifying with Professor X, especially when he uses Cerebro lol
      Likewise with the giant sucker sign 😉

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    1. Thank you so much! I’m so sorry for the late reply but I just had to rescue you from the Spam folder. I have no idea why your comment ended up in there *looks sternly in the general direction of the WordPress gremlins*
      Thanks again, I’m so pleased you enjoyed 🙂

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      1. I can see this and, honestly, I think this resides in many of us. At some point, I’d like to know more about your childhood

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Ah, I recognize this more than I’d like. Parts of this are my story exactly. I’m still recognizing the ways in which this trait made me do things I shouldn’t have and not do things I should. But hopefully by recognizing it, I can change those tendencies. Hopefully. 😊 Hugs, lovely lady. 😘

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    1. Thank you, Vic. Yes, we talked about this before, didn’t we? I’m learning too, I’ve had to because there comes a point when you can’t stand the pain anymore and realise the futility of giving so much energy for…well, nothing. But, as we’ve said, the head knows and understands but the heart doesn’t care and can so easily take over. Hugs to you too 😘

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      1. Yes. Though the older I get, the less I let my heart run away. Sometimes it makes me sad but it’s for the best. I hope you’re having a great day. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

      2. That’s exactly what I said in reply to Meg who said the same thing also. Now I’m older I’ve wasted so much time and energy on people in the past for absolutely fucking nothing that it’s calmed me down somewhat.
        It is definitely for the best – we’re learning 😉
        Have a great day too 😘

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I can relate to this… although with maturity comes a healthy dose of cynicism (some might call that wisdom) but life’s lessons do steel your heart a bit. Even when you give it, you’ll find yourself holding a piece of it back. Well, I’m just a little ray of pitch black aren’t I? 😦

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    1. Meg, I know exactly what you mean!
      It took me many years but I’ve hardened a bit. Especially in the last few months when things came to an end with the narcissist and I was looking back at 3 years of horror…and I realised that I just can’t keep putting myself through all this anymore…I always used to think I could help, that if I tried hard enough it would make a difference but I’ve had too many experiences to prove that no matter how ill I make myself, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference…so I totally understand what you’re saying! You are not at all a little ray of pitch black, just a realistic little ray 😉 Quick, think back to Scandinavia, that will put the smile back on your face 😀

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      1. It’s true! A narcissist knows just who to target, too. I read your post about the narcissist and I am so glad you’re done with him. It was painful and frustrating just to read about what you went through! … Ok, back to Captain Norway! 😀

        Liked by 3 people

  14. This is lovely Nathalie. Although lovely, empathic hearts like ours get broken easily, I would never want to be any other way. You have only grown stronger and more powerful from your experiences. I hope you have an amazing day! – Lola 🌺

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    1. Thank you, Lola 🙂
      Yes, I wouldn’t want to be any other way either, even though being who I am has caused me a lot of pain over the years but you are right: we learn and grow stronger. Anyway, I always say: better to bleed and hurt than feel NOTHING.
      Have a wonderful day as well 🙂

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  15. @”I hadn’t fixed theirs…” – we’re not supposed or ‘programmed’ to fix or to mend other people’s pains…
    * * *
    dare be(ing) yourself, wipe your tears and go on living up your life, LL = lovely lady! ❤

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  17. Charlies right, this poem Nathalie … needless to say I cried. The ‘I ran with scissors’ that’s actually worthy of a fucking award.
    With the best writing it’s harder than ever to say something in response because it’s invalidated anything through just saying everything. You did that here. You explained betrayal and how the facade we put on, and how we are judged is one part of the ultimate taking down by one person of another person. HOW is that ever right? When I think I’m totally alone and nobody gets it, then you write this and I cry out of joy knowing I’m NOT alone you give me hope. This is actually an incredible poem I hope everyone reads it, I expect many will simply not get it because they are those people. You are the voice for the oppressed and for the way it SHOULD BE in the light. You should be so very proud of this piece of work.

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    1. Well, I don’t have to tell you this comment has brought tears to my eyes…because it is so freaking nice to me, and because I know that you understand it all and that makes me sad and angry as well.
      You’re right, not everybody will get it – in fact, most probably won’t but that’s fine, WE know.
      PS: I love you.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Ditto moon girl – and for what seemed like forever I hadn’t met a twin soul who I got and who got me, and who I had all the time in the world for and you seem to have climbed into that slot and made it your own with your courage and your laughter and your unrepentant truth. Would that more were as you.

        Liked by 1 person

  23. Hi there. Stumbled across your blog.
    This is absolutely lovely.
    I totally feel this.
    I can easily admit my “perfections” but all in all, my imperfections override them. At least, that’s how I think.

    Liked by 1 person

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