On the outside, I was
well put-together, a polished shell
luxurious mane of dark hair
skin delicate porcelain
bright cyan eyes
popular, clever, straight A’s
window dressing at best—
at worse, half-truths and lies
which were betrayed
by chewed-up nails
hands continuously restless
overflowing ashtrays
piling up around me like used cars
in a dealer’s yard
I ran with scissors
juggled with razors
under the cover of darkness
this, the predators
knew, felt
they could smell weakness
a need to love and help
so great
it would seal my fate
tie me to a runaway train
for more years than I could bear
they—could hardly believe their luck
couldn’t wait to fuck me
and fuck me up
defective and mean
they’d bite
claws digging into soft flesh
they’d forgotten or didn’t recognise kindness
perhaps never knew it,
lacked it, hence hated it
either way it came to the same thing
and it’d always end in the same fashion
I’d bleed, weep
my tears falling, for myself
but mostly for them
I hadn’t managed to fix my pain
but even worse, I hadn’t fixed theirs
Lovely write. I can relate to this, I am a totall empath. I have a sign that reads “sucker”! 🙂 ❤
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Thank you, Holly! Sometimes I feel like my head will explode with the thoughts and feelings of people I meet, or know already. I can never watch X-Men without identifying with Professor X, especially when he uses Cerebro lol
Likewise with the giant sucker sign 😉
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😉
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💜
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❤
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Really like this, the beginning pulled me right in.
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Thank you! I hooked the fish, hope I reeled it in too 😉 lol
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You did, reeled me into the fish net. Good swim all the way to the end. 🙂
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This is so well written it leaves me wanting more!😊
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Thank you so much! I’m so sorry for the late reply but I just had to rescue you from the Spam folder. I have no idea why your comment ended up in there *looks sternly in the general direction of the WordPress gremlins*
Thanks again, I’m so pleased you enjoyed 🙂
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I’m so glad you found me! I finally found the Akismet support page and have begged for their help. This is driving me NUTS!
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I know, it is SO annoying! Comments are going into the spam folder and I don’t get at least a third of my notifications. Ugh!
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Sigh.😔
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Superb.
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Thank you so much, awesome one 😘
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I sense a feminine strength, not weakness, even if you are an empath
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There is strength, definitely. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t have survived my childhood to start with. But there is weakness too, the two are not mutually exclusive after all…
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I can see this and, honestly, I think this resides in many of us. At some point, I’d like to know more about your childhood
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I’m sure there’ll be time to talk about it at some point…if you don’t get distracted 😉
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I love beautiful distractions
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Ah, I recognize this more than I’d like. Parts of this are my story exactly. I’m still recognizing the ways in which this trait made me do things I shouldn’t have and not do things I should. But hopefully by recognizing it, I can change those tendencies. Hopefully. 😊 Hugs, lovely lady. 😘
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Thank you, Vic. Yes, we talked about this before, didn’t we? I’m learning too, I’ve had to because there comes a point when you can’t stand the pain anymore and realise the futility of giving so much energy for…well, nothing. But, as we’ve said, the head knows and understands but the heart doesn’t care and can so easily take over. Hugs to you too 😘
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Yes. Though the older I get, the less I let my heart run away. Sometimes it makes me sad but it’s for the best. I hope you’re having a great day. 😊
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That’s exactly what I said in reply to Meg who said the same thing also. Now I’m older I’ve wasted so much time and energy on people in the past for absolutely fucking nothing that it’s calmed me down somewhat.
It is definitely for the best – we’re learning 😉
Have a great day too 😘
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Yes! Though usually I’m a faster learner… 😝
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Same! 😜
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I relate in so many ways. Well written.
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Ah, I thought you might. Thank you!
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Love this Nathalie. And I, being like-hearted feel the same way. 💜
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Of course you do, Eric! I knew that 😉
Thank you, you beautiful heart 💜
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Wow! You say so much, Nathalie. Stunning. Beautiful. Love 🙂
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Wow, Ryan, this means so much to me! You know I’m in love with your writing, so you’ve made my day over here 🙂
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The feeling is mutual, Nat. So happy to hear I gave you a smile. Have a magic day 🙂
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It seems that the kindest people are the ones most taken advantage of, Nathalie.
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Well, yes, because they open themselves up to abuse with their kindness, Rob.
Nobody can take advantage of a cold heart, can they?
Good morning btw 😉
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Powerful, Nathalie. Sadly true for many of us.
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Thank you, Diana 🙂
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I can relate to this… although with maturity comes a healthy dose of cynicism (some might call that wisdom) but life’s lessons do steel your heart a bit. Even when you give it, you’ll find yourself holding a piece of it back. Well, I’m just a little ray of pitch black aren’t I? 😦
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Meg, I know exactly what you mean!
It took me many years but I’ve hardened a bit. Especially in the last few months when things came to an end with the narcissist and I was looking back at 3 years of horror…and I realised that I just can’t keep putting myself through all this anymore…I always used to think I could help, that if I tried hard enough it would make a difference but I’ve had too many experiences to prove that no matter how ill I make myself, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference…so I totally understand what you’re saying! You are not at all a little ray of pitch black, just a realistic little ray 😉 Quick, think back to Scandinavia, that will put the smile back on your face 😀
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It’s true! A narcissist knows just who to target, too. I read your post about the narcissist and I am so glad you’re done with him. It was painful and frustrating just to read about what you went through! … Ok, back to Captain Norway! 😀
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💜
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Great post! I hope you continue to read mine as well!
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Thank you! It’s good that you should remind me actually because the WP Reader leaves so many people out that I miss out on a lot of posts
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This is lovely Nathalie. Although lovely, empathic hearts like ours get broken easily, I would never want to be any other way. You have only grown stronger and more powerful from your experiences. I hope you have an amazing day! – Lola 🌺
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Thank you, Lola 🙂
Yes, I wouldn’t want to be any other way either, even though being who I am has caused me a lot of pain over the years but you are right: we learn and grow stronger. Anyway, I always say: better to bleed and hurt than feel NOTHING.
Have a wonderful day as well 🙂
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@”I hadn’t fixed theirs…” – we’re not supposed or ‘programmed’ to fix or to mend other people’s pains…
* * *
dare be(ing) yourself, wipe your tears and go on living up your life, LL = lovely lady! ❤
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I know this, Melanie. Now, I know 😉
I wrote this about my past but I’ve grown and learnt since then 🙂
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I too, am an empath. If I had Professor X ability to read people minds. I’d know best who to say away from and who I should be involved in.
The best poem I’ve ever read here on WordPress. You Rock! Nathalie. I’m so proud of you everyday. 🙂
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Aw, thank you, Charlie for your inspiring words 🙂
You’ve made me blush, you’re too good to me, you awesome one!
Have a great day, live it and rock it as I know you will 😉
Hugs 💜
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You make the world a better place. 🙂
You bring big smiles to me. 🙂 Thank you for you always being you. 🙂
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Charlies right, this poem Nathalie … needless to say I cried. The ‘I ran with scissors’ that’s actually worthy of a fucking award.
With the best writing it’s harder than ever to say something in response because it’s invalidated anything through just saying everything. You did that here. You explained betrayal and how the facade we put on, and how we are judged is one part of the ultimate taking down by one person of another person. HOW is that ever right? When I think I’m totally alone and nobody gets it, then you write this and I cry out of joy knowing I’m NOT alone you give me hope. This is actually an incredible poem I hope everyone reads it, I expect many will simply not get it because they are those people. You are the voice for the oppressed and for the way it SHOULD BE in the light. You should be so very proud of this piece of work.
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Well, I don’t have to tell you this comment has brought tears to my eyes…because it is so freaking nice to me, and because I know that you understand it all and that makes me sad and angry as well.
You’re right, not everybody will get it – in fact, most probably won’t but that’s fine, WE know.
PS: I love you.
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Ditto moon girl – and for what seemed like forever I hadn’t met a twin soul who I got and who got me, and who I had all the time in the world for and you seem to have climbed into that slot and made it your own with your courage and your laughter and your unrepentant truth. Would that more were as you.
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Love your poetry.
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Thank you ever so much 🙂
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Just as brilliant and power on the second reading. Great stuff, Nat! 😊
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Thank you, Adam for reading it before I posted it. Knew I had to get rid of “faulty breaks” but it was good to hear it from someone else too. You got so many brownie points for that haha
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You’re very welcome 😆 Woohoo! I love brownie points!
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Don’t we all? 😜
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Your poem paints a picture or real life. Brilliant.
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Thank you so much 🙂
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#felt!
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Thank you for writing… This is the most relateable thing I have ever read.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂 I gather you’re an empath as well…
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Yes, just made my first few blog posts (ever) and I can’t wait to focus in on this ability in my writing.
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Oh that’s good. Writing is very therapeutic! I will check out your blog.
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Thank you! I’d agree, I’ve been journaling for a long time but I find a sort of comfort (of course lol) in sharing in the hopes of helping others.
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Hi there. Stumbled across your blog.
This is absolutely lovely.
I totally feel this.
I can easily admit my “perfections” but all in all, my imperfections override them. At least, that’s how I think.
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Thank you! So pleased you enjoyed – self awareness is so important. Too many people lack emotional intelligence
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You’re very welcome. Indeed it is!
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