When I do

~ Purpleanais

It might take some time

for me to make up my mind

about you

but when I do

oh, when I do

I will dig tunnels

with my bare hands

in the frozen ground

to get to you

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35 thoughts on “When I do”

  4. Why I love this: Because this is exactly how you feel if you are fortunate enough to feel that way about a person. Because it doesn’t happen BANG but a series of moments, stitched together. You put this out there perfectly, I can climb in and inhabit that memory – I think I have only been in love once if that – but anyone who says you do not think as you journey into the fold, misses the understanding a tender heart has, of the perils and the beauty of that journey. You describe it like a sage.

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    1. I agree entirely, I don’t believe in that “coup de foudre” which is only instant lust or infatuation or whatever. You do spoil me with your comments, I’m sitting over here thinking: I want to hug this amazing sister of mine, RIGHT NOW!

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      1. I think we can be infatuated but infatuation is fickle and maybe those who know that seek not to be infatuated because it isn’t how they roll? They are necessarily more intense? I used to be accused of being ‘too intense’ (ha ha ha a huge compliment I felt!) nowadays less so but only because I don’t ‘share’ as much. I wondered why would someone feel the need to tell someone else they were too intense? If not to distract from their own shallows? You’re someone I never feel I have to pretend to be someone else with. Thinking long the last few days about what Madonna said when giving her Boardwalk Woman of the Year speech, couldn’t agree more, hate her, love her, she’s right about women hating each other and that being why Hilary lost (among other reasons including she’s not as great as everyone hoped) and how women never help one another, Madonna has been condemned her entire life and she said the only way she could continue was to never stop believing in herself. She’s right of course. Wish I’d learned it earlier in life. Wish I had it regularly now. Self-belief (not conflated egotism) is necessary in this painful world as women especially because as she said, there ARE different rules for men/versus/women for example women can NEVER mess up, men always can. For those who say feminism is unnecessary I can’t agree, equally I am guilty of not trusting other women because it HAS been women who have betrayed me, no men except interpersonally and that’s different and for a different reason … despite this my best friend would ALWAYS be a female because you can relate better to a woman who doesn’t play games and tells the truth. That’s my ten cents 😉

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      2. Ha! I was accused of being “too intense” by the narcissist, what he really meant of course is that I would routinely freak out when I couldn’t take the lies and abuse anymore!
        Fuck that. I’d rather be intense than dead behind the eyes like so many people.
        As for the rest of it, yes but how can you stop women ripping each other to shreds? I have a hunch that it may be in our genetical make-up to do that, you know? I’ve said it over and over but women can destroy you better and quicker and more painfully than any man. I’m all for the sisterhood but what I find is that it’s usually women who have been incredibly nasty to me for no good reason whatsoever. This is why I’ve never had many friends who were women because it’s so hard to find one who is on your level and won’t secretly be jealous of this or that or just turn on you because of a guy even though you two are meant to be tight. I don’t know, it’s hard.

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      3. Exactly. The secret jealousy thing especially and as you say, women can destroy you better than any man, really awful but then again really believe in the sisterhood but it’s rare. I agree, better to be intense than prozac nation innit? Maybe the trick is to release oneself from the fear and then you can just be. And fuck what others think or say if they’re just trying to get under your skin which so many are (don’t get that at all)

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      4. I still remember Christelle, met her at 16 and we instantly clicked. We were inseparable for a couple of years. We liked the same books, the same music, both wanted to be journalists, and had the same “intense” temperament. It was all perfect until one day I plucked up the courage to walk into the local newspaper office with an article I’d written on De Gaulle. It took so much to do that as I was so insecure. The editor wasn’t there, I left my (handwritten lol) article with no address and no phone number, just my name as I didn’t think they’d do anything with it, I’d really gone in there with the intention to ask for feedback. It was published a week later, the first I knew of it is when a family member phoned me and told me because they wanted to check it was really me (they’d printed my name). Well, that was the beginning of the end for me and Christelle, she made all the right noises, blah blah blah but little by little she started doing stuff which were unlike her and hurtful. Inviting mutual friends to an all night horror movie marathon and purposefully leaving me out, and so on.
        She never digested that article being printed, I realised it later of course because she never said it.
        To this day, it kills me because I CAN understand jealousy, I really can. We were 18 too, so innocent and stupid, you know? But I do think that if it had happened to her instead of me, I may have felt jealous (in fact I probably would have then, not now though) but it would have pushed me to try harder and I would never ever have sacrificed our friendship for it. After the first initial stab of jealousy I would have thought “this girl has had a lot of shit with her family, she needed this, I’m happy for her.” I swear that’s how I would have felt after reflection. She knew what my family and home life were like, it’s not as if she didn’t. I was “jealous” (not exactly the right word but it will do) of the fact her parents would have done pretty much anything for her but I would never have held it against her in a million years. I was very upset when we eventually parted ways because I really valued her friendship and I felt betrayed and felt like everything we’d been through obviously hadn’t meant as much to her as it did to me otherwise she wouldn’t have left an article come between us. It’s not as if I’d been handed the keys to the offices of “Le monde” either, it was just a measly article in the local paper although it did mean a hell of a lot to me because being a journalist was everything I wanted then and I didn’t have very much else that was positive in my life.
        Sorry for the BOOK, lol but I just wanted to say why I find it so hard being friends with women, because when they betray you it hurts like HELL, and you are left licking your wounds thinking how could they have done it when I could NEVER have done it to them.

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    1. Trust you to read the lines, and in between too 😜
      Thanks, Adam. I want us to go for drinks again, I owe you big time for reading the Empath post before I published it and I’m still insanely happy that you instantly pointed out the one line I KNEW didn’t work. I need this particular writer back in my life!

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      1. I do my best! 😉
        I’m pleased that you’re still so happy about that 😀 I’d LOVE to go for drinks again, so we’ll figure something out in the new year 🙂 Hey, I’m not going anywhere!

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      3. Hé hé! 🙂 (Je pars en voyage Lundi, avec pas bcp d’Internet. Si je ne l’ai pas déjà fait, je te souhaite un très joyeux Noël et un excellent Réveillon) Bz, Nathalie.
        B.

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