I muddled through Christmas and the festivities because that’s what you wanted. You asked us to live even as you lay dying.
“No sorries, not now and not after.”
I did my best…I socialised and laughed…but drank too much because all the while you were at the back of my mind as I tried to grant your request.
It’s not as if I didn’t know what was coming, and yet I wasn’t prepared. You must forgive me for my goodbyes (I know you have) — between the tears and the accent, it’s a wonder you could understand what it was I was saying.
I’d promised myself I’d be brave for you at the end but my heart failed me. “Hold on”, I wanted to say, “hold on a little longer”…but that would have been so selfish when you were ready to go. Do you understand why I couldn’t help but cry when I said “if you don’t want to keep fighting, don’t. Only you know when it’s your time, and if it’s yours, just let go.” It broke my heart to tell you to leave but what else could I do when it was so clearly your wish.
My brave, brave cowboy, my heart is so heavy…but I feel your presence, still. I saw you smile when I wrote those few lines for you in the bar last night: “his words are carved on my heart” I told the friend I’d spent the day with.
“Write this down” he said, so I did because I knew you’d approve – like me, you always understood pain has to be bled on a page.
It was you who then moved the alcohol out of reach, you who whispered I’d had enough and should go home, it was you still looking after me.
I miss you so much already but I know that whenever I look at the night sky, you’ll be sitting on your favourite star and you’ll wink, wave and say howdy to the crazy French lady. And I’ll wink and wave right back — connected hearts can never be torn apart.
*Thank you to everyone who has left comments on my blog, I appreciate everyone of them more than you know and will reply to them all shortly – thank you so much for your patience 💜 *