Connected hearts can never be torn apart

I muddled through Christmas and the festivities because that’s what you wanted. You asked us to live even as you lay dying.

“No sorries, not now and not after.”

I did my best…I socialised and laughed…but drank too much because all the while you were at the back of my mind as I tried to grant your request.

It’s not as if I didn’t know what was coming, and yet I wasn’t prepared. You must forgive me for my goodbyes (I know you have) — between the tears and the accent, it’s a wonder you could understand what it was I was saying.

I’d promised myself I’d be brave for you at the end but my heart failed me. “Hold on”, I wanted to say, “hold on a little longer”…but that would have been so selfish when you were ready to go. Do you understand why I couldn’t help but cry when I said “if you don’t want to keep fighting, don’t. Only you know when it’s your time, and if it’s yours, just let go.” It broke my heart to tell you to leave but what else could I do when it was so clearly your wish.

My brave, brave cowboy, my heart is so heavy…but I feel your presence, still. I saw you smile when I wrote those few lines for you in the bar last night: “his words are carved on my heart” I told the friend I’d spent the day with.
“Write this down” he said, so I did because I knew you’d approve – like me, you always understood pain has to be bled on a page.
It was you who then moved the alcohol out of reach, you who whispered I’d had enough and should go home, it was you still looking after me.

I miss you so much already but I know that whenever I look at the night sky, you’ll be sitting on your favourite star and you’ll wink, wave and say howdy to the crazy French lady. And I’ll wink and wave right back — connected hearts can never be torn apart.

*Thank you to everyone who has left comments on my blog, I appreciate everyone of them more than you know and will reply to them all shortly – thank you so much for your patience 💜 *

 

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28 thoughts on “Connected hearts can never be torn apart

  1. My heart breaks for you, Nathalie. 💔 Undoubtedly, your friend treasured you as you sent him unconditional love. Saying goodbye is difficult and those tears you cry are a badge of honor. Let them flow, even as you wink to the stars.

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    1. Thank you, Rob. It has been so hard. I didn’t want him to go but he was suffering so much. I hate goodbyes and I’m rubbish at them…but he knew how I felt and that’s all that matters.

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      1. Absolutely. As I do. But at the same time, you love, and what’s the point of life if not to love? I mean what else MATTERS? Love can hurt, but feeling nothing is just being a robot, although you’d make a cute robot I would rather the flesh and blood version of you any day xo

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    1. I wish I could collect that hug. You’re going to have to keep it for when I get to the US. Chances are I will have accumulated so many by then, you’ll have to hug me for an hour straight by the time we meet 😉
      Thank you, lovely girl. It has been fucking hard, but the thoughts of everyone on here have helped a little 💜💜💜

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      1. LOL, I’m sure someone would love to see that… 😛 I’m glad we’ve helped a little bit, Nathalie. I hope I get to give you a big hug. 🙂

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  2. dealing with the death of a loved one is always difficult, and always even more difficult during the holidays. this one sentence moved me so much: “It was you who then moved the alcohol out of reach, you who whispered I’d had enough and should go home, it was you still looking after me.”

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    1. It has been. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who didn’t feel things so much…but there’s no changing who I am. Thank you for your thoughts, Alan. They mean more to me that you can possibly imagine.

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  3. Your beautiful eulogy is heard by the obes you love, be there a god or not, i am certain love transcends our mortality my girl, your love reaches him and is immeasurable in value helping him even as he leaves us to return to starlight. Just know that.

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  4. What a moving eulogy to a cherished friend. So sorry for your loss, Nat, but I know you’ll remember him the way he asked you to. Don’t apologise for your bleeding heart, embrace it’s awful tenacity and fling your pain to the stars. It’s okay to be upset and to grieve. Here’s hoping you are alright and you can be strong x

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  5. Navré, vraiment, Nathalie. On sait parfois si peu de choses de nos amis Blogueurs.
    Pas de mots, juste une accolade électronique. Et n’hésite pas à écrire en cas de retour de Blues.
    Bz.
    PS. Wherever your friend is, he knows… 🙂

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      1. Et oui. Ces amitiés électroniques sont étranges, mais on s’attache pareil à certains. Ou certaines. Le coup c’est comme des bleus. Ça passe, et puis il arrive un moment où on ne se rappelle plus que les bons moments. Ça prend du temps, mais ça vient.

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