Wall of steel

~ Purpleanais

you made me into a junkie

the initial high—impossible to repeat

the hundreds of lows that followed

were the real story

how fucking awful to be ripped apart slowly

better one swift fatal blow as anything is preferable

to prolonging the agony, than to be

desperately looking for a vein to raise—to inject

skin disintegrating, body failing

not being able to feel—anything—but this sick twisted need

craving what was killing me

you played your cruel games, made me doubt myself

I forgot even my name, the days passing by—an intangible thread

this descent into madness brought on by a friend

I never would have guessed could be so heartless

by the end I was a sack of brittle bones

with a diminished soul

you broke me

and left me

like I was nobody

like I was nothing

you said for your defects I was to blame

when you were my wall of steel

on which I hit my head repeatedly

each time hoping for a different ending

you committed the worst kind of sin

you used my own scars against me

(I hope you know this song is about you)

I read a short poem by Alan @ Monochrome nightmares Unchained which stayed in my head for days. I particularly couldn’t forget his “wall of steel” and lines kept coming up revolving around those 3 little words — this is the result.
Thank you, Alan for kindly agreeing to let me borrow your “wall of steel” – you are one hell of a writer and a very generous one too.
I know and understand your “dark”, my friend – all too well.

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36 thoughts on “Wall of steel”

  1. Excellent Nathalie. Excellent.
    This poem explodes with the darkness,
    that is drug addiction.

    “craving what was killing me”

    Bravo.

    And thank you for your kind words
    and the Link.

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      2. Yes, that was it, Alan! Drug addiction…except the drug in this case was an actual person – one as addictive and damaging as Heroin I would say, and one who left me a broken, wasted shell just as any other hard drug would have

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    1. The poison does linger for so long after the habit has been kicked. Recovery takes a long time, I’m happy now and well: physically and mentally, but it was almost 3 years of my life and it’s not something I’m ever going to forget x

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      2. Yep, I get that. I’ve become so cautious with people, too cautious at times…suspicious of their motives too. I don’t want this awful experience to have changed me in a way that I stop being kind and generous, I don’t want to be unable to trust because of it. x

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  8. I loved how well you poetically portrait the illogical logic of abuse…
    But at the same one that of addiction. (Abusive relationships can be addictive at times, so it makes sense if we considered both “meanings” together as well).
    “when you were my wall of steel/on which I hit my head repeatedly/ each time hoping for a different ending”. And “you used my own scars against me” seem to have a powerful reading effect over me.
    Thanks for sharing dear Nathalie!. Sending love! 🙂 🌟

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  9. How the HELL did I miss this one? Well my dear, this is IT. You have actually achieved the impossible and described in ONE POEM no less, the entire madness and agony of the narrcassists control over his/her prey. And BECAUSE of this, you will never return. Because someone who knows this cannot walk backwards and drown herself no matter how bewitching the familiar pain is. And I know sometimes pain is often our best friend because we take solace those of us who are prone to violet hours, and we know it, but that is all we do, because it’s not who we want to be, only what we know how to be, and the key (not that I practice this well – YET!) is to unlock that part of you that knows logically that she is worth so much more than facades and games and empty promises and controlling and pain. I do believe pain can be a drug, there have been times I have literally cried out ‘I have been here too many times before! Why can’t I learn?’ and I don’t know why not, maybe it’s what you said once, that it’s easy to rationalize but when it comes to emotions, we resort back to what we were as a child when first hurt. I do believe hurt children make perfect fodder for the narcassists because they know how to manipulate that. BUT as we grow, we gather around us a great deal of light to vanquish the darkness that we thought would never change and it is in that airing out of the darkness that it ceases to have its intoxicate hold over us. Well that’s what I believe. Ask me if I can practice it well and I may put my tongue in my cheek and smile abashedly but either way, I believe in YOU so I know the above rings true not only in your logical half but the half of you who is a surviv0r and will always BANISH THE DARKNESS. What a truly brilliant piece of writing Manon. When you let it rip DAMN GIRL you tear a line in the fabric of life, and let truth in. THAT is your gift.

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    1. Candice, I just don’t have the words. You are so very kind to me and I struggle to believe I deserve it. THANK YOU for always picking me up (I needed to be picked up today, how did you know? #Twins)
      You know I agree with everything you said. I’m the same as you and need to not let my heart run away with things while my head is screaming “stop it, red flags here” and the heart goes: “waaaaait, he or she NEEDS you, be there for them no matter the cost to you”.
      Well, I can’t do that anymore. The cost has been too high too often and this one particular story really took me to the edge. I had never gone through anything like that before, ever, and I never will ever again.
      It may have taken me a long time to learn to protect myself somewhat but I believe I have. Up to a point anyway. You’re absolutely right, pain can be a drug and when you have known pain from the moment you came into this world, there’s a twisted kind of comfort to it. It’s what you know and understand – the temptation to run to it is great.

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      1. A true friend, is someone who is loyal and truly cares for no other reason than it’s meant to be. A true friend stands by her friend through the shit and isn’t a fareweather friend. I feel that way about you so that’s my answer, and as for deserving it, oh my friend you do. I think I always wanted someone I could understand and could understand me, as a friend and whilst I did at times, many times distance and space broke it apart, and it was never complete. Maybe that will happen with us, but I somehow doubt it because I really feel a protectiveness for you and it isn’t going anywhere, you matter. It’s that simple. Life is too short for anything less than just being honest and saying I care and am there for you as part of your clan against the world. You are right, the cost is too high and you may be strong (we know you are) but it’s not just strength that is used when you go through something like that, it BATTERS your soul and that’s the part you cannot afford to keep going through because each time a bit of you is left behind. Life is hard enough without leaving parts of you behind because some toss-bag decides he wants to play mind-games. You are better than that and you do protect yourself but don’t mind if others feel the need to stand up and be counted as part of your army too. It simply means you are worth it and Manon, you are. So if you run, run knowing the wolves who care, run beside you.

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  10. PS: You know at the end you wrote “you committed the worst kind of sin / you used my own scars against me” I literally jumped up from my seat at that moment. Not only a very strong ending but this is MY LIFE too.
    Just recently as you know, two people on WP I had been superficially close with (in the sense of having never met IRL but felt a sympatico with – friends only) told me basically to fuck off. The second person actually said ‘you have lost enough friends for me to realize this is a pattern something you cause and you do’ – that was a classic example of using my scars and confidences against me. I’d have preferred she were right, because at least then I could learn from the malice of her low-blow but she was so wrong. The friends I have lost in my life have mostly been over being 3 thousand miles away, or just growing apart. The exceptions to this were the other WP girl who was gay and basically got the hump when I wasn’t interested, and that’s also true of this person. The GAMES people play really stagger me. I must admit when the last person said that to me I felt EXACTLY as you said in your poem, that she used my scars against me. I wished so much I had NOT made the mistake of telling her I felt people had ‘left me’ etc, and even though logically I know they didn’t leave me because of me and even though mutual friends atest to that, she knew how to wound me in a way that would work and that was her goal. People say you should forgive but the truth is I would NEVER forgive her. Not because I hate her, but because she revealed she has that ability to be that awful. Anyone who has that ability (I do not) cannot be someone I can be friends with, it wouldn’t be good. I realize that and I feel I don’t need to apologize for not forgiving her when she wrote me a sorry note, as far as I’m concerned she’s dead to me because one thing you NEVER do is hold things people have told you trusting you, against them. I realize she is hurt and that’s why she did it, but I hurt too and I can honestly say I’ve never done that to someone nor would I. I think your poem really exemplifies this way of thinking and makes it clear why someone capable of that CANNOT redeem themselves. Wow. I read this three times and I’m going to re-read it. You teach me much my clever friend. Most of all you help me realize we’re not alone, there are good people out there. You are one of them.

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    1. I know, Candice! I thought of you too when I wrote that line because of what’s recently happened.
      I do actually TRULY believe that it is the worst kind of thing anyone could EVER do. I don’t trust easily and don’t open up to people just like that so if I do…it means I’m giving you an actual real GIFT, and you should appreciate it ffs and don’t ever EVER use what I told you against me. You do that and you’re basically the worst kind of human being. Of course in my case, it was a narcissist and this is what they do: use your scars against you hence why they prey on empaths and people who are emotionally fragile.
      But I’ve had that happen, like you, with people who were not narcissists and it’s simply unforgivable.
      I get that your “friend” was hurt, I’ve been hurt and I said things then I didn’t mean…but, like you, I would never be as vile and low as she was. I just couldn’t.
      This is why I was SO angry when she did what she did to you and I’ll be honest…had I been near I would have ripped into her…I was actually so tempted to rip into her on her blog which I found as I wasn’t following it…but managed to stop myself because…”crazy” and it wouldn’t achieve anything.
      But let me tell you I KNOW how you felt and I felt it for you and my fury at this messed up idiot was great.
      Unforgivable. She could walk across the US on both her knees as penance (what I said to the narcissist lol) and it would make no difference. She crossed that line and once it’s been crossed, there’s no going back.

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      1. I agree. This was all online. I don’t know what I would have done if I had been face to face (but daggers come to mind ;)) because you’re right, it’s one thing to hurt someone but to really do that? No there is no excuse there never can be. And you’re right, it never does any good to do that because then ‘you’ are in the wrong. I think someone like that will NEVER see that they are in the wrong. EVER. I think people can only be that awful by NOT seeing they are ever wrong. I can’t imagine never feeling I’m wrong. Ironically that was one of the insults she levied at me, quote; ‘you wouldn’t admit to being wrong about anything though would you Candice’ ha ha ha I had to chuckle at that one, if nothing else I can admit when I’m wrong. So I suppose it was like talking to a mad person, sometimes reason makes me doubt a person who otherwise seems sane can be so mad but it’s not the first time I’ve seen it happen (and not just to me). None the less it’s pretty gutting and you’re right, there just is no going back. I hope you remember that equally my sweet girl because for people like us, we have a tendency of letting our compassion get in the way of our self protection. xo

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