Insouciance

~ Purpleanais

joe_perry_26

I saw a couple coming out of the station today, stumbling as they were walking entangled in each other—they kissed like there was no tomorrow and of course they were young enough that for them, there isn’t. It’s the moment that counts and tomorrow doesn’t exist.

I felt a stab of keen jealousy, remembered a gig I went to years ago when I ended up coming out of the same station in very much the same euphoric mood.
It was Aerosmith in London, I flashed my boobs at Joe Perry, showed him the Aerosmith wings drawn on my stomach by the boyfriend who was an artist.
I was drunk on cider and forgot my usual scorn for groupies that day—those ridiculous girls who will blow the roadies to get backstage—and was ready to be one of them. Not that I was going to give the roadies head, fuck them, but I was more than willing to show Joe a trick or two and never mind the fact his gorgeous wife was standing by the side of the stage.

I don’t remember much from the gig except Joe was magnificent and I was fascinated by his fingers on the guitar, imagining what else they could do. My toxic twin from Boston, I saw you live again a few times after that but that day was the first and therefore very special.

When it was over the crowd took forever getting out of Wembley Stadium and I was high on that guitar and my rock god with his shirt opened to the bloody navel, revealing so much skin it was an actual sin. Gosh, how I laugh at men who do that usually, rockstar or no rockstar but Joe could drown kittens with a smile on his face and I wouldn’t object — okay, I would, but you get the idea, and anyway why did I mention Joe’s smile when the man never does. Smile. 

The crowd was so dense we went for more drinks so as to escape the first rush to the station and the packed trains. We had all the time in the world, nothing but the moment mattered-nothing at all, which is why we ended up in the women toilet and I gave the boyfriend a blowjob he talked about for weeks afterwards. The girls queuing up when we came out of the stall gave us looks that were not amused, I’m pretty sure one of them looked disgusted but who cared? Not us.

We eventually got a train, still packed, made friends with other people who had been at the gig: “OMG wasn’t it amazing, and Joe is quite something and I almost died when they played Toys in the Attic…etc”
There is always this weird camaraderie with people who have just shared the same intense moment as you—we all get it and we bond…for an hour.

We finally made it home and we came out of the station very much like the couple I saw today. Bumped into my friend who asked where we’d been, hence the lengthy explanations and more “Omg it was great” and I told him—stupidly, because of the alcohol coursing through my veins—what happened in the toilets and he laughed and boyfriend was standing there slightly uneasy but trying not to show it because my friend is gay and I’m talking dicks with him and BF doesn’t know where to look. I tell him to relax, nobody is about to reach inside his jeans and of course there is an idiot standing next to us listening to this convo, grinning while giving me the eye and I respond  with a look that says: fuck off, I’m very selective who I’m slutty with, now do one.

What time was it when we got back to our place? No idea. We were sweaty and grimy and my makeup had smudged and left stains all over my face and we hadn’t had any food for a whole day but we got home and fucked for hours anyway because there was no tomorrow. Or none that mattered. We would go to work or we would not, call in sick maybe, eat greasy bacon sandwiches with barely a hangover and there was no need to care about anything beyond today.

I miss those days, if I could just get a taste here and then…that’s all I ask for, just a little taste to sustain my memories.
Of course I still go to gigs and still get drunk and still do stupid things. I make a “blink and miss it” appearance in a Nickelback DVD looking thoroughly whore-ish and that was filmed not that long ago. My friends take the piss out of me no end, laugh at my awful musical taste because of it and I tell them I don’t care, there are still times I wanna be a rockstar. I don’t give a flying fuck Nickelback aren’t credible in any circles.

So, clearly I haven’t grown up—not sufficiently—but the days of not caring about tomorrow are pretty much gone. Now the hangover after a drunken concert is real and lasts for a full day. Now I worry about the resulting bags under my eyes because I probably have an appointment with my accountant or something. And the fact I have an accountant is enough to make me want to roll into a ball and cry.

I miss that insouciance, it’s gone forever and why didn’t I know it was ephemeral and bottle up those moments? Which is of course a fucking stupid thing to say because there was no tomorrow then. None that mattered. Those were the days.

52 thoughts on “Insouciance”

  1. Beautiful girl, you are indeed a kindred spirit!🌌I loved every single line of this! From the selectively slutty callout (which is awesome), your bathroom extravaganza (girls wishing they had your zest), Aerosmith fandom (Big Ten Inch…Record was a great tune), and rock star dreams. I lean more to Led Zeppelin (especially Plant) as my rock gods but it’s all great!🎤🎸You know, I really like your thoughts around just catching those special moments that can sustain us. We do have to think about tomorrow now. But, it is so nice to have moments that sweep us away and we can forget about tomorrow even if for one night. Like Bob Seger sang, “You can come back baby, rock n roll never forgets. Well, I am off to look for a Nickleback DVD now, ha!

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    1. Michael, you of the Adonis body and the skilful words…I loved every single line of this comment. I’m particularly pleased you noticed the “selective sluttiness” because that’s very important to me. Led Zeppelin are fine, I will give you that too.
      Yes, we all need those special moments when we go a little crazy like we used to. Otherwise, what’s the point?
      You are such a loveable devil, why have I just discovered your existence?
      (I don’t even remember which live DVD it was, AND it really was a blink and you miss it moment 😜)

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      1. Mmmm, you are so sweet AND naughty 😇😈…such a delicious combination😘 You know that Eagles tune, I believe it is “One Of The Nights”? There is a segment in the song, “I’ve been searching for the daughter of the Devil himself, I’ve been searching for an Angel in white, I’ve been waiting for a woman who’s a little of both.” The naughty angels and lovable devils are few and far between. People surrender to comfortable middle and ease into the rest of life. Some of us though still resist in our little pockets in the world, and I’m so thrilled our paths have crossed and enthralled 😈😇😘

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      2. Sweet and naughty just about covers it — it can be a dangerous combination at times, but anything rather than surrendering to “comfortable”, right? 😉
        I’m still thinking about that “easing into the night”… 😇😈💜

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      3. We must be channeling one another…I’ve had that same recurring thought about easing into the night. I’ve been thinking about this fascinating book I would love to explore…front to back. 😈It seems like a perfect way to ease into the night. I understand from a recent post, you enjoy reading to others. If you are ever across the pond, I would savor reading you. Ahem…I mean reading to you 😘🔥

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      4. I’m sure you’re very good at reading and very thorough…there wouldn’t be a page left unturned with you, I’m sure of that. No skipping and no rushing to the end…exactly how a good book should be read…and enjoyed 😏😜
        I must tell you: you have to copyright “easing into the night” because it’s just brilliant and full of promises, and it was yours…and it’s had quite an effect on Vic and I 😈

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  2. Damn. I never did anything like that, even when I was younger. I was always too timid and conservative, and perhaps always had too much of the old soul about me. Excuse me. I think I should probably go and have a midlife crisis now… before it’s too late. 😛

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    1. I think you should definitely go and have a midlife crisis, T! Like, right away! It’s well overdue 😜
      There’s nothing wrong with being timid, I used to be like that…though I don’t believe for a moment you were conservative—doesn’t sound like you at all 😉

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      1. You may be right actually. I think perhaps I thought I was conservative because of the sheltered life I’d led… but my views have rarely skewed the way that others have expected them to. I enjoyed this post by the way. I didn’t say this upfront and should have. 😛

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  3. Yesssssssss! Oh Joe Perry, I am with you. And I felt like this not that long ago following a carload of teenagers or early twenty somethings with all the windows down and the stereo so loud it hurt my ears a car length away and all of them pretty and singing at the top of their lungs and I’m driving home from a long day at work and still have to fix dinner and god I need a drink just thinking about it… I’m still completely embarrassing at concerts, so says Joe Normal… 😉 so I don’t take him along anymore!

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    1. Haha did you have that drink, Meg? 😉
      Yeah, it is shocking when that happens…but we can still show them how it’s done, we’ve got the benefit of experience 😜
      We need to go to a concert together because I’m totally embarrassing and tbh I don’t see the point of going unless you’re going to be! Good call on leaving Joe Normal behind, they shouldn’t choose crazy women like us if they can’t handle us 😏
      (And OMG, Joe Perry, riiiiight? 😍)

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  5. What a fine writer you are! You make me nostalgic for something I never had (never really wanted tbh). I read your post and felt “Yeah, perhaps I did miss out…”

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    1. Ha, I like that! Because if you never wanted it then you definitely didn’t miss out…but the fact you reacted like that anyway means I translated my feelings successfully when writing it.
      Thank you so much for the lovely compliment 🙂

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  6. I loved the style of your post, Nathalie. We start and end at the same place, lovely! I recall my amazement when I first had started getting decent gigs and landed a nice caveat as the house band at a dive in Boston called The Rat. That’s when I was introduced to the wonderful relationship between music and women. 😀

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      1. I can hardly remember those wonderful opportunities due to the fog of alcohol. 😀 The Rat was a dive! But bands like The Police and The Cars had played there. It was the Boston equivalent to NYC’s CBGB’s. Ahh, the good old days. 😉

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      4. Yeah, sometimes you need to do that…just recharge, you know? I’ve been okay…at least until today when I woke up feeling awful and I’m definitely coming down with something (drats!)

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  7. Great post, Nathalie. This made me want to indulge in a little insouciance. 🙂 I hardly ever drink these days and actually got drunk last Saturday night. Fun, but not fun. *Sigh*. At least I don’t have an accountant! Ha ha.

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    1. Thank you, Diana! I’m sure your Saturday drinks were enjoyable…until the next day kicked in. The thoughts of that next day are sometimes enough to make me put the bottle away 😉
      Well, yes, congratulate yourself on that at least. If I were to describe one thing that makes me feel like an adult and “responsible” and boring, it’s the bloody accountant haha

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    1. Thank you so much, Christoph!
      This all came pouring out after I saw that couple at the station and I let it…because it wasn’t about producing beautiful lyrical lines, but about capturing the feelings I was experiencing there and then…and putting them on paper. This isn’t about skills or gorgeous words…but showing everyone the beating pulse…and for them to *feel* it.
      You got the lengthy comment (sorry lol) because I think you totally got what I was trying to do 😉 💜

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  9. Ahh, I miss those days too but I kinda feel like the fun is coming back around. I’m not carefree but at least life is not boring. 😉❤

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  10. I totally get you!
    You might want to do what I did. Move into an apartment over a studio where bands rehearse.
    Now I don’t even have to go anywhere. The music comes through the floor, or I get to go down for a private performance. 😀

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      1. It’ s a kooky thing! 😀
        I can fall asleep in a heartbeat to their music, and they aren’t playing lullabies.
        Yet, sometimes when I need to fall asleep, I can’t, if they aren’t playing.
        They took me to a private party on Saturday. I may never recover. I’ve got it bad for the lead guitar player.

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  11. Loved this piece. The raw energy of a gig transmitted to the rawness of optimistic emotions. Although I’ve never been blown in a toilet, pretty much everything else rang true.

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  14. Since we are talking about old songs and musical groups, remember the song “Dust in the Wind?” I think it is relevant here. We forget so much of our lives that the moments are like dust. And yet there are a few of those moments that are made of gold. That concert experience and that blowjob in the ladies’ room, those were golden moments. They are printed on our mind and are markers in our life. And, for that reason, they are worthwhile. And, btw, I will find out where Joe Perry is playing (if he still is), and send you concert and plane tickets.

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  17. God…I’m a single 20-something who’s hobby is blowing my money on shows…and I’ve never rambunctiously indulged myself to this extent. Perhaps I’m doing this all wrong.

    Loved the read. 💖🎸🎶

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