A year ago exactly, I said a final goodbye to somebody who had been a close friend. We’d shared many happy times, but that was before he decided to obliterate them all with a weird obsession and a determination that was really quite admirable in a sick kind of way.
Yes, Tom, a year on and I still can’t quite comprehend why you drove me to the edge of insanity. Because I was the ultimate prize in your eyes, I guess, and a narcissist must obtain and then destroy just to feel, just to be.
There were explosions of colours all over the streets when we parted for the last time, leaves scattered everywhere and my heart was heavy but I felt free at last from your manipulation and your sick games. October then was an end and a beginning, cliché as it seems.
Autumn has arrived again, my favourite season, always has been, which makes it strange that it should be without fail when self-loathing hits me like a tsunami. The same leaves are covering the pavements, the leaves I kick childishly as I’m walking, while wondering how I always get things wrong, how every time I think I’ve got this life thing sorted, it turns out I haven’t at all.
One can’t raise the bar when it’s already sky high, so I’m left stranded while the tide comes in, I stand still, breathing salty air, pushing aside all thoughts until I’m surrounded and I can no longer ignore this sad state of affairs. The ghosts will keep tugging if you let them – them with their fucking chains – but underneath the self loathing, buried deep but there all the same, is the certainty I will win this fight eventually.
Maybe I am doomed to keep making the same mistakes, even as I keep raising the stakes, maybe the fact I keep getting it wrong will be inscribed on my grave. In any case,
there is only one thing to do to survive, and it’s to get new feelings to replace the old ones.
Photo my own
💜💜💜
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A chivalrous Knight fights and loves with all his might – no half measures in his heart and life 💜
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“Almost, counts for nothing in affairs of the heart” – Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”
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#Wisdom
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Lovely photo – autumn is quite a sad month, but there’s hope in the colour.
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There’s always hope 🙂
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Here’s to new feelings and dropping dead weights! Lovely words, sad but determined. Beautiful photo,too!
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Thanks, Adam. I’m actually dying to find a way of dropping bedswerver in this comment but…there’s no fucking way to do that without really hitting gutter levels 😉
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You’re welcome! Oh dear, I feel as if I shouldn’t have taught you that word! 😂 Hit gutter levels, you?! Surely not! 😉
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This picture (The Roses of Heliogabalus) could have gone with it too! xx
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Ha. Didn’t know this one, thanks for linking me up 🙂 💜
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Thought you might like! 🙂 ❤
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An explosions of colors 💙
Cheers.
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Sei un mito 🇮🇹💜
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You are a most welcome great friend.
Have a lovely evening.
Soul.
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Are you really back to sanity? (That would be boring I guess) 😉
Je ne sais pas pourquoi je n’avais plus de posts de ta part.
Mais le machin vert à droite dit “Following”. Bizzare.
Tu vas bien?
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Ah, ben ça arrive, wordpress me fait souvent le coup, c’est très ennuyeux!
Bof, on fait aller, j’ai pas passé une semaine top. Et toi, comment va?
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Pas top? Bon, le week-end arrive.
Chez nous… des hauts et des bas…
mais on va tous retrouver notre fille en Asie en Décembre. (Y compris le petit-fils de 18 mois!) Ça va nous faire du bien. Bz
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PS. Jolie photo. Très Autumne. (Il n’y a pas d’Automne ici)
Les feuilles de ton jardin?
🙂
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Oui j’adore l’automne et non ce n’est pas mon jardin mais une allée qui mène à un cimetière. Je passais par hasard et les couleurs étaient trop belles pour que je ne capture pas ça 🙂
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Effectivement fallait pas laisser passer. 🙂
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A sad day in autumn.
An excellent piece of writing Nathalie.
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Thank you, Alan, you’re always so kind – you know I love the darkness weaved in your words so it pleases me so much to know you enjoy my writing 🙂
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Thoughtful and beautiful photo.
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I’m sorry to hear this, Nathalie. I truly believe that one must always raise the stakes. Don’t settle. Life is like a glass of wine – what’s the point in drinking inferior red? Eventually you’ll be left unsatisfied.
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