I was having a cup of green tea this morning when “Reasonable Me” decided to pipe up and have a go at my Addictive Personality.
“Look at you, you’ve barely been up an hour and you’re already on your third cup. Can’t you try, just for once, to approach things in a calm and measured way instead of acting compulsively all the time??
Green tea is good, it’s healthy, but do you need to drink quite so much of it? I am getting so tired of having to lecture you about everything! All the time! You can’t have a few squares of chocolate, you must devour the entire bar. If you drink alcohol, you go over the top and can’t be satisfied with one single, sensible, glass of wine. You start reading at midnight and should stop after a few chapters but no, you have to keep reading until the small hours. Who else has ever watched an entire season of Game of Thrones in just one day? Why can’t you masturbate more or less on schedule like other people, a couple times a week, maybe 4, whatever, but not repeatedly throughout the day as you’ve been known to do?
Bingeing, too much bingeing! Even right now you’re looking around for your cigarettes, what’s wrong with you? Listen to me! You can’t even move in your bedroom for the amount of clothes and shoes in there – some of it you’ve never even worn – and yet you keep buying!
Oh, I know you managed to shake off the Diet Coke addiction, it took you long enough though. And you hardly ever check your Facebook feed these days, when you used to refresh it about 50 times a day. But those are small achievements and they are few and far between. You’re still pretty much a crazily addicted type of person – can you not try to do and be better” ????
Well, Addictive Personality was not about to take this laying down.
“Okay, first of all, calm the fuck down! It’s too early for lecturing, especially when it’s so utterly pointless. Do you not realise that it’s thanks to me you’re kind of interesting? Do you really believe you would ever have been called ‘fascinating’ by anyone if it wasn’t for me? Where would we be if I listened to you? Nowhere interesting, that’s for sure! Like, the other night, when Sean called at 11pm and asked to meet for drinks, you were all ‘but it’s late now, I’m in bed chilling, I really can’t go out at this late hour’.
Pfff, it’s lucky I was around to do the impulsive thing because we had a great time. Oh sure, if I listened to you we would have woken up the next day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed but….we would have missed out on a precious evening and an interesting and stimulating conversation.
Do you think Oscar Wilde wrote those fantastic plays by being a dreadful bore like you are? Well, do you?? That the iPhone you’re using right now would have happened without Steve Jobs’ addictive tendencies?
Remember John Milton: ‘What hath night to do with sleep’ – would Paradise Lost ever have come into being if John Milton had been the type of person who went to sleep at 11pm every night?
Aerosmith is your favourite band, right? The early albums you love so much were all made while they were as high as a kite! Higher than a kite – Joe Perry and Steven Tyler were called ‘The Toxic Twins’ ffs. Should I also remind you that every album they’ve made since they chose sobriety has been lacklustre at best? Not that I’m advocating the heavy use of drugs here – that’s one vice I don’t have, let’s be grateful for that!
You worship Laurence Olivier, well, what a perfect example of an addictive personality! Didn’t you once call him the greatest actor who ever lived? It’s not like I’m suggesting we should go as far as all that and live the remainder of our days in a drunken stupor but – it’s about time you realised that an addictive personality goes hand in hand with a creative one. And that all in all, I’m really not that bad! Bad is……Charles Bukowski……or……Hunter S. Thompson – brilliant, but massively fucked up people. I may not have their genius way with words but fortunately enough, I also don’t even register on that scale of self-destructive behaviour. See? I’m actually pretty tame if you stop to think about it.
And yet you’re berating me for……..living? Do you think anybody ever lays on their death bed and thinks: I should have had more sleep, I should have eaten less chocolate, drank less, had less sex…..etc….? Well, do you? Because they don’t! They wish they’d done MORE! More of everything!! They’d give anything to have just one more day, one more hour even, to do MORE!
I’m sorry but I will not let you turn me into a crashing bore. I just won’t permit it! So put that in your pipe and smoke it”!
There was no answer from Reasonable Me. I guess she gathered that my addictive personality was cleverer (and funnier) and that it had won the argument – so she decided to quietly slink away. Thank fuck for that, I really was not in the mood for her today.