Because we were teenagers

117EB128-F864-4990-8B95-D2EAAFD1DDBF

It’s many years ago – sometime at the end of the 80’s – and I’m listening to that song. The one with the mournful synths, the one with the words seemingly plucked from some place inside me – the words I would share with you if only I could be sure you’d understand what they all mean. In my living room it’s a bit cold, we just welcomed autumn, a shiver runs down my back and the cat gives me one of his contemptuous looks for no reason at all. I start the record again, the needle trembles, settles, the record cracks a little, just like firewood in the old chimney – I sit back down on the floor, I could listen to this record a hundred times and more.

The phone rings, a strident siren, nobody in 2019 would ever be able to stand it but back then, as with all the other big, clunky, loud 80’s machines, we were used to it. It’s still ringing – I swear it could wake up the dead – I answer it because I have a feeling it’s you. Yes, it’s your voice, I was right – it’s a sign.

“Don’t speak for a bit, listen to this.”

The phone is plugged into the wall, I pull the cord as far as it will go, and hold the receiver next to the speaker.

“Are you there? Now, listen.”

It’s an order. it’s a prayer.

The shiver returns though I don’t feel the cold anymore, I’m nervously twisting the phone cord around my fingers – halfway through I stage whisper: “this bit coming up, you gotta love it.” I don’t know if you can hear me over the record player.

There – the song is over. I let the silence stretch for a number of seconds so I can pull myself together, I’m hoping you fell in love and need time to recover.

“Well?…”

An agonising beat

Wow…yes…wow.”

I hear hushed wonder, the tone is right, you got it – my gift wasn’t wasted.

The next day there is a kiss, and we’ve got many more phone calls ahead of us. But it was the music, the synths, the words – it was the record player that did the trick, that really started things.

Forget Spotify and the über modern hi-fis, forget instant sharing, forget digital and iPhones – none of it has ever been as intense – as real – as the old record player and the ugly clunky grey phone stuck to the wall.

And it wasn’t just because we were teenagers.

Everything that would have

 

img_7396

you showed me your world
so different than mine
we walked for miles
under a sky much bigger
than I could ever
have dreamed
branches creaking
under the weight of snow
silence broken by sounds
of life slowed to a crawl

we went inside
my cheeks flushed from wonder
and the cold
we had a couple of whiskey
shots while you told me stories
some sad
others brought a twinkle to your eyes
I listened while your heart
was lying in the palm
of your hand
vulnerable
beautiful
I cried a little
I laughed a lot more

of course then I didn’t know
I was the proverbial squirrel
putting it all away for a winter
still waiting in the future
one that would be harsher
than either of us could ever imagine

today
I reminisce about
the moments
that never took place
the memories
we never made
everything that would have
if we’d only had more time

*I over indulged Christmas Eve and again yesterday – too much alcohol, too little sleep and by 11.30pm last night, listening to the voice of my brave and so special friend in the US, I found myself breaking down and getting v.emotional. Then, straight on top of that, the news about George Michael…it was time to retreat inside my shell to process it all. Still feeling fragile today, I think I’m going to keep myself to myself for the rest of the day.*